


Riding Free With You

by FrankTheSnek



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: 1800's, Alternate Universe - Historical, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Eventual Happy Ending, Falling In Love, First Time, Frottage, Getting Together, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Minor Violence, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism, mention of slavery, multiple sex scenes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-05-18 14:52:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 26,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19336774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankTheSnek/pseuds/FrankTheSnek
Summary: John Sheppard is the eldest son of estate owner Patrick Sheppard. One day he will run the estate, or so his father wishes. John has never been the man his father wanted him to be. Never would be, and he became very good at hiding it. When he meets Rodney, the new head of their family stables, hiding his true self becomes much more difficult.When they risk being discovered they must take their lives and futures into their own hands, but that is easier said than done. Just like their love it comes with a price.**While this is tagged with mentions of slavery/racism it is not explicitly described or depicted.





	1. Who I Really Am

**Author's Note:**

> So this story has been a bit of a roller coaster to write. I've been working on it for months, periodically abandoning it for one reason or another. I kept coming back to it though and finally got my shit together! I'm very pleased with how the first chapter has turned out and hope you enjoy it.  
> This is also the first multi chapter story I have written, so please bear with me as the updates come out. (Chapter two is well underway so I'm trying to stay on top of it.) I plan on this only being three chapters (plus an epilogue maybe?) so it won't be scary long or anything.
> 
> With this being my first multi chapter story I was a little unsure how to go about tagging it. I decided to tag everything that would be happening through out the whole story. Just wanted to mention that.
> 
> I noted in the summery that there are no graphic depictions of racism or slavery and I wanted to reiterate that. It is tagged for minor violence, but I want to make it clear that it is unrelated to the topic of slavery/racism.

The sun was shining brightly, and a soft breeze was blowing as John Sheppard stepped out onto the small personal balcony off his quarters. It was the first day that actually felt like spring. As he looked out over the estate he could tell that everyone on staff was feeling the change as well. He could see servants moving around the garden trimming, pruning, and planting. He could just barely see the edge of the tobacco fields from his balcony but could see a few of the colored servants prepping the ground and mulling about. There came a knock his door and John returned to his rooms with a call of “Yes?”

“Sir they are expecting you at breakfast. Should I tell your father you are predisposed?” John recognized the voice as Ford the head house servant. 

“No,” John said with a slight sigh and opened his door. Ford bowed to him and moved out of his way. “And how does the day find you Ford.”

“Well sir, thank you sir.” He kept his answer short and didn’t look at John. This made him sigh and shake his head.

“How many times do I have to tell you Ford,” he said stopping just shy of the entry to the dinning room. “Look at me when you speak and call me John.”

“John!” His father’s shout both started and annoyed him. “How many times do I have to tell you not to socialize with the slaves?” John turned to look at him with a slight glare. He hated that word. He hated his fathers views.

“They work hard and deserve to be acknowledged.” He replied and was pleased with the look of agitation that passed across his father’s face. Patrick Sheppard was from old blood, his family coming to the colonies long ago. When John looked at him physically, he saw his future they looked so much alike. Mentally he and his father couldn’t be more different. John disagreed with the use of slaves, with how his father treated them. Any chance he got to remind his father of this difference in opinion he took, to his father’s great annoyance.

“I will have none of that talk. Now join us for breakfast.” Master Sheppard turned to the dinning room and John followed mentally sighing. His father took his place at the head of the table. His mother sat opposite him at the foot. 

“Morning mother,” he said stopping to kiss her cheek. 

“Always late,” she huffed with a smile. He moved to his seat at his father’s right hand, across from his brother. 

“Finally,” Dave said and flicked his napkin open as the servants brought them their food. “So father, this trip you are taking to the O’Neill estate. Good business yes? It must be for you to take such a trip yourself instead of sending a representative.”

“Yes, quite. They have the finest horse stock in the state next to us. Its smart business something we should have done a long time ago.” Master Sheppard started into a long talk about keeping blood lines strong yet diverse and how it would only serve to strengthen both estates.

John largely tuned his father and brother out. The family estate was in the business of growing tobacco, with a side investment in horse breeding. In recent years his father had taken up more interest in horse breeding saying, “As we keep moving West people will need more good horses. Kentucky has a good stock, this is were the money is going to be.” John was almost sure his father had just said that same thing yet again to his brother and hid a chuckle behind his napkin. 

In all honesty John had little interest in the family business, neither tobacco or horses interested him. Being a soldier did but his father forbid it saying it was no place for an eldest son. He would take over the estate and continue the family name. “Besides,” his father had said to him, “we aren’t at war we don’t need soldiers right now.” John mentally huffed as he thought of that. There was no war now but based on the ‘propaganda’ he read (his fathers phrasing not his) that could very well change in years to come. 

“John are you even paying attention?” John looked up at his father who just sighed and shook his head. “Of course you aren’t when do you ever.” 

“Apologies, I didn’t sleep well last night.” A lie but it was good enough to appease his father.

“I was saying that I think you should accompany me on the trip to the O’Neil estate. Need to get the face of the next generation out there.” John noticed the sour and disappointed look on his brother’s face and thought on his answer.

“Actually, I think it would be best if Dave accompanied you.” His brother’s face lightened at this and John smiled at him before continuing. “The crops will need to be started for the season, and I am much more versed in their needs than he is. Plus, if I know how you negotiate this will be the first of many trips you will be taking. It would put forth a better face to be consistent and bring the same partner with you each time. Having your eldest son gone so often when there is so much to be done this time of year wouldn’t do either.” As he spoke he saw a subtle smile appear on his fathers face.

“I fully agree John. Good on you for thinking ahead. Dave I want you to go threw the breeding books today. Come up with some good candidates for trade and pull some lesser ones as well. We can use them a bargaining chips. Speak with Mr. McKay, get his input as well.”

“Yes father,” Dave said and kicked John lightly under the table a gesture that said ‘thank you’. John smiled and stood taking his plate with him. 

“Oh John dear leave that.” His mother chastised. John just smiled and placed a hand on her shoulder as he passed. 

“Really mother I think I can manage.” He continued to the kitchen where he deposited his plate in the wash basin before returning to the dinning room. “I’m going to ride out to the fields see where they’re at with preparing them for planting. I know its still early but if this weather holds we can get a head start.”

“Amazing how you can actually be productive when you try.” His father said with a smirk and John just gave a strained smile and left. He made no rush of getting ready, the day was still young and he had plenty for time to make his rounds in the fields and inspect the crop seedling that were growing in the green house

He changed into his thick woven riding trousers and his favorite well worn pair of ridding boots. Buttoning up his waistcoat he decided to forgo a jacket as it was growing warmer outside. He smiled and breathed in deeply as he made his way to the stables. He hoped that the weather stayed this way. He made his way to PJ his favorite gelding and rubbed his nose affectionately. “Like me to ready him for you sir?”

John startled at the question and turned to see Mr. McKay the head of their stables stepping out from one of the other stalls a ways down. “No, I can manage thank you.” Mr. McKay continued toward him and nodded as he wiped his hands on a cloth and slung it over his shoulder. 

“If you’re sure sir. Its no trouble really.” He reached out and PJ nuzzled his hand affectionately. John pressed his lips together and looked over McKay. Shorter than him but sturdy, with the bluest eyes John had ever seen. He had been brought on in early winter several months back and John hadn’t gotten to see all that much of him. With the cold of winter keeping the main members of the family indoors unless strictly necessary. 

“Yes, I’m sure.” He replied annoyed with how tight his throat suddenly felt. Mr. McKay nodded and turned to the stall across from PJ, looking in at the horse before opening the gate and stepping in. John ignored him in favor of readying PJ. He saddled and bridled him and was just rechecking his buckles when McKay spoke up again.

“Weathers perfect for riding. Know you have work to do but you should take advantage of it. Trails up north of the estate are clear if you’re interested.” John looked over but couldn’t see the other man. Stepping out of PJ’s stall and across to where the other man was working he looked in to see McKay bent over with the one of the horse’s back hooves between his thighs. John swallowed because the angle gave him an uninhibited view of the other man’s broad back and shapely behind. 

“And how would you know?” He asked clearing his throat which again was annoyingly tight. “That the trails are clear that is.”

“Well,” McKay said as he finished inspecting the horse’s hoof and let it down. He stood up and turned to John once again wiping his hands on his towel. “Someone has to run the stallions in the winter. They get awful antsy other wise and pasture time only does so much.”

“You took them out riding all winter?”

“When the weather permitted. It’s not necessary but it helps them, good for them.” He undid the lines that had the horse he was working on tied to the side of the stall and patted her neck before opening the gate. “He’s yours isn’t he.” McKay said nodding to PJ. John didn’t get to answer as he kept talking. “He’s a good one well trained and smart. Fast too, a shame he’s castrated. Would have been a good stallion.”

John nodded as he pulled PJ from his stall. “Yeah, he was one of the first ones father breed. He was still green then didn’t know how to read the mare and sire’s histories for good colts. Still makes him mad every time I talk about PJ.” That got a laugh from the other man, the sound making John’s gut clench. 

“Well, I'll keep him straight on that. Not goanna happen again while I’m here.” John smiled at that, eyes moving over the other man unconsciously. 

They had hired Mr. McKay on for more than just stable work. He was in charge of the breeding rosters now as well as all the feed and medical needs of the horses. John could tell just by looking at them that many of the horses looked better now than they had before he had been hired. Not that they had looked bad then but they looked even better now. Other than his job list John didn’t know much about him. He did know that Mr. McKay came from somewhere respectable as his title of ‘Mr.’ suggested it. That and when he had first started his mother had been bother that he chose to stay in the stable’s bunk room instead of the guest house.

John cleared his throat again realizing that they had lapsed into silence and he had been staring at the other man. He mounted PJ and left without another word, embarrassed and unsure what he could say. Out of his peripheral he saw the other man wave him off. Once out of the stables he gave PJ a light kick and trotted off toward the fields.

\----------

When John returned to the stables it was late in the afternoon, nearing dusk actually. Reviewing the fields, seedlings, and planting layout had taken longer then he thought it would. He hadn’t even made it back to the house for lunch, choosing instead to break breed with some of the field workers. An act that would’ve had his father fuming and that fact alone made John enjoy it even more. 

He was settling PJ back in his stall and removing his saddle when he heard the commotion a few stalls down. A loud angry whinny followed by a some angry snorting. John looked down the lane just in time to see McKay swinging himself over the stall door. “Whoa, whoa girl easy,” he was saying to the irate animal. 

“Are you alright?” John asked hurrying over to him. 

“Yes, yes fine.” He said tossing a wad of dirty bandage material to the ground. “She’s just tired of being messed with.” He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a hand full of dried apple slices. Offering them to the horse who snorted loudly as she ate them. John looked into the stall and noticed that it was one of his father’s favorite broodmares.

“What’s wrong with her? Abscess?” He guessed looking down at the back foot she had turned up, not putting weight on it. John vaguely remembered his father griping about it but hadn’t paid much attention if he was honest. 

“Yeah, this should be the last bandage. It needs air and rest now. Goanna try and put her back in the pastures later this week. Tell your father that for me would you? He keeps asking about her.” John nodded and McKay gave him a smile as he went to wash his hands in a water bucket near by. John watch for a moment and then turned away. What had gotten into him. He was being so reckless today. Maybe it was the fresh air stirring him up. “You should head in. I’ll brush down PJ and get him feed.”

“You sure?” John asked intentionally looking at his horse and not the other man. 

“It is my job.” He said and John could here the smile in his voice. Nodding John thanked him and went to the house to wash up. 

Over dinner there was more talk about the trip to the O’Neill estate. As well as ensuring John understood his reasonability while his father was away. John nodded along only halfway paying attention. He couldn’t stop thinking about Mr. McKay. The broad expanse of his back kept coming to mind and John found himself pushing down thoughts of what it would feel like. Thoughts of his back followed the same trail his eyes had, and turned to thoughts of his firm looking behind. He was pulled from these thoughts by his father. 

“So its all settled then,” he was saying with more gusto than was normal for him. “Two days time we will be off and putting the Sheppard name on the map. With the O’Neill’s breeding stock we will have the finest horses in the states. John I’m trusting you while we are gone don’t let me down.” There was an undertone in the way he said it that told John it was also a threat. 

“Of course father, I won’t.” John smiled tightly and finished his dinner in silence. 

\----------

The next two days passed in a blur of activity. There was packing and planning, and documents being drawn up on all the horses they were taking with them. Four not including the ones that would be drawing the carriage and carts they were carrying supplies in. Two of their best stock and two of lower stock. “To show them the difference between good and great. And prove there are no bad deals with us.” Master Sheppard had said. John had spent most of his time coordinating things in the fields, the weather had held out and stayed nice. Trusting his gut John had made the command decision to plant the fields early. His father had questioned him but in the end decided to trust him. 

All of the servants and staff had been busy as well. The seamstresses had been making last minute adjustments to Patrick and Dave’s finest suits (“Your appearance is half of what makes a deal son.”) The kitchen staff had been drying and caning and baking rations for the trip. It wasn’t that they didn’t have enough on hand, but Mater Sheppard demanded the best for his travels. Even Mr. McKay had been busy, especially busy. He had fitted all the horses making the trip with shoes. Groomed and bathed them all at least twice and packed up all the previsions for them. 

Now John and Mrs. Sheppard stood in front of the estate saying good bye. “Be safe love,” She said kissing Patrick’s cheeck and smiling sweetly at him. He smiled back and it made John smile as well. His father was a hard man but nothing was more clear than how much he loved his wife. 

“Be safe brother,” John said hugging Dave.

“Don’t lose the estate while we’re gone,” Dave joked back. John smiled and gave him a firm pat on the back. He shook hands with his father who once again reminded him of this responsibility. John just kept his mouth shut and smiled thinly. Then they were loaded up in their caravan and heading out. A handful of servants from all branches of the house were going with them so it was a decent travel party.

“I hope they travel well,” Mrs. Sheppard said taking her son’s arm and leaning into him. John turned them back toward the house and smiled down at her.

“I’m sure they will be fine mother. Miss. Teyla, tea for mother please.” John smiled warmly at her and she smiled back with a nod. Teyla was a beautiful woman his age. She was the only colored servant who was addressed by title, despite his father’s grumbling about it. She was the acting midwife for the estate. She had been brought on years ago when several of the servants had been pregnant and Mrs. Sheppard had been so pleased with her that she had taken her on as her handmaid.

“Come Mrs. Sheppard lets retire to the tea room,” She said offering her arm to the Misses. She took it and allowed Teyla to leaded her away. “I am sure Master Sheppard will have safe travels he has strong men with him and is himself a strong man.” John appreciated Teyla’s attempts to comfort his mother. She was a good woman. Before coming to work for them she had been at a wealthy estate in the north. She was smart and well mannered, but strong willed as ten men. John respected her even if it made his father frown. 

With his mother in good hands John made his way to the stables to fetch PJ for his morning rounds of the fields. When he arrived he was surprised to find him already saddled and ready for riding. “Figured I would save you the time.” Mr. McKay said from his seat atop an hay bail. “You’ll be ridding the field every morning right?”

“Yes…” John said distracted by McKay’s hands which were weaving together an intricate braid of at least a dozen small leather lines. He was surprised with the dexterity of the man’s hands, he made the intricate pattern look as easy as tying a square knot. John would have knotted his fingers together with the first loop.

“Then I’ll have him ready every day sir.” McKay said looking at John as he spoke, not pausing in the weaving. He noticed John’s eyes and smiled. “New tack.” He said and John looked up at him confused. “What I’m making. New tack for the horses.” He stopped and held it out for John to look at. Up close the pattern was even more impressive. “I can teach you if you like.” 

“No, that’s alright. I wouldn’t be good at something like that.” John said with a shake of his head.

“You sure? You seemed…interested in it.” McKay said with an undertone the made John nervous.

“No, really I would just make a tangled mess. I’m a steady shot but other than that,” He shrugged hoping that not acknowledging the undertone of McKay’s last statement would derail it.

The other man hummed and started braiding again looking down at his work now. “I suppose you’re right. I does take very skilled hands.” No such luck, the undertone was still there.

John swallowed thickly and turned to mount PJ. He trotted out of the stable and out to the fields. He needed to clear his head so he pushed PJ hard and fast. By passing the trails that ran between the fields he headed for the wider path that out lined them on the edge of the property. Soon he had PJ full out galloping along the outer edge of the estate and he felt so free. It was like flying, the best feeling there was. The freedom of trusting his horse and just going with it. He made a full pass around the entire outer perimeter of the estate before heading to the fields to actually get some work done. His little trip had helped. His head was clearer and he was focused on the fields and making sure they were being laid out properly. 

He got several odd looks from the workers who had no doubt seen his joy ride but he just smiled politely at them and they smiled back. When Patrick Sheppard had given control of the fields over to John the first thing he had done was make sure every whip, switch, or crop that had ever been raised to a worker where locked away. The white workers that were in charge of such things had complained, but John had simply divided them off to another field and put them to work there. “That’s slave work.” They had complained. John had told them that is was just work and they could pull their own weight or leave. “And don’t use that word around me.” He had told them clearly making it a threat. Many of them had quite.

His father had been furious but John had held his own. “If you want to put me in charge of the fields I get to work them my way. No more physical abuse and all the workers work including the white ones. Trust me it will be more productive this way.” To John’s pleasure and his fathers frustration he had been right. It also helped that John had improved all the colored workers rations and housing. If his father noticed he said nothing focusing his attention on his horses. 

John dismounted PJ at one of the supply sheds and took off his waist coat, rolling up his sleeves. Yet another thing the his father hated, he worked right along side them. Patrick had been furious the first time John had come back to the house covered in dirt and sweat. “How can I take credit for the crop if I’m not doing any of the work?” They had argued about it for days, but in the end Patrick had just given up. “Fine if you want to spend your days baking in the sun covered in filth don’t let me stop you!” had been the last word his father had said on the matter. 

John spent the rest of the day doing just that. Once again eating with the workers under the shade of one of the supple sheds. He felt treating his men with respect was important. He knew almost all their names and stories, many of which made him both sad and furious. 

It was the beginning of dusk when he headed back to the stables. He was sweaty and dirty and sore but glad for the days work. He was just finishing up his brush down of PJ when Mr. McKay showed up.

“So it’s true you do work out in the field with them,” he said leaning against the stable door across from PJ. 

“Yes, have a problem with that?” John said prepared to flex the power of being the estate head if need be. It hadn’t been just his father that had an issue with what be did. His mother and brother had both had words with him as well.

“Not at all,” McKay said looking over John’s ragged appearance. Taking his time to observe the dirt that covered his arms and face. It was odd but he thought the dark smudges of earth brought out the green in John’s hazel eyes. “In my humble opinion,” he continued. “The people that assume and treat others as less than based solely on the color of there skin—which might I add is simply a natural darkening of pigment and has nothing to do with strength or intelligence—are idiotic monsters and are the ones who deserve to be treated as animals.”

John was stunned. He had never heard someone speak so openly about their disapproval of slavery. He’d had choice words with his father over the subject but had never spoken so boldly. It was also the first thing Mr. McKay had said to him that wasn’t related to horses and was the most eloquently spoken thing he had heard from the other man.

Taking John’s shocked silence as disapproval McKay looked away from him. “Apologies, that was out of line, it was not my place to speak so brashly.”

“No,” John said catching his arm as he turned to leave. “Mr. McKay I fully share in your sentiment.” Realizing that he was still holding his arm John quickly let go and took a step back. There was strong muscle under the fabric of his shirt and John could still feel the ghost of it under his fingers. 

McKay smiled at him and nodded. “Hmm, like minds I suppose.” He said in that undertone that made John feel nervous. “Well work to do and you best be washing for dinner. Thank you for brushing down PJ.” With that he disappeared into the tack room and John stared after him for a moment before he headed up to the house. 

\----------

John was in his father’s study going over financial books when his mother came in the next day. While he liked working out doors there were other things that needed his attention and the fields were in good hands. “Mother, is there an event I have over looked?” He asked when he saw her dressed in a fine gown the color of spring leaves with beautiful garnishes of white lace.

“Oh no son,” she said stroking her hand over his cheek sweetly. “Your father and brother will be gone for at least a month and with you running things so efficiently I find myself a bit board. I have arranged a series of luncheons and the like with some of my lady friends to busy myself. I know you like to think that you men have all the power, but behind every great man is a great woman. I can’t tell you how many deals your father made only because I got the information he needed from my ‘girly parties’.” John chuckled at his mothers candor and she smiled at him. Leaning in she kissed his cheek. “Don’t tell your father I said that.” 

“I don’t worry I won’t,” John said smiling. “When should I expect you back? And who is accompanying you?” He stood taking her hands and running his thumbs over the back of them. 

“Late evening but before dusk. Miss. Teyla and two of the other house workers will be accompanying me. Does that suit you?” John nodded. Teyla would lay herself down before she let harm come to someone she cared for. “Good I’ll see you tonight then.” With that she turned and was gone in a shuffle of fabric and lace.

John move to the balcony of the study and looked out over the back of the estate. From here he could see the stables and corral, the pasture beyond it and the thick woods that lined the back of the property. “Make sure that’s tight! No not like that you fool!” John looked to see McKay shouting at one of the young stable hands he was in charge of, who was apparently not hooking the horse to the carriage correctly. John laughed lightly as we watched him show the boy the proper way, his hands moving in a fashion that told John he was berating the hand just as much as he was teaching him. Satisfied the horses were properly attached McKay let the driver mount and pull the carriage around to the front of the estate. 

John stood there watching for a while longer. What could it hurt? He was high up enough that to anyone looking at him he was just observing the estate not watching anything specific. Oh, but he was. As the days had gone on the spring weather had stuck and today had bounced up to feel more like summer. As such McKay, like many of the men who worked mainly out doors, had discarded his shirt.

It was a pleasing sight. He was rather pale which John found odd for someone who was clearly experienced with horse work, which in turn meant outdoor work. His body was well made, wide shoulders and strong chest. His stomach was soft but not what any sane person would call fat. Just flat enough to show his work was physically demanding but not overly toned. His chest and arms however…John swallowed. He remembered the brief feel of muscle he had gotten and it matched what he saw. His arms and chest showed the work of his profession, toned from blacksmithing and moving hay bails and the like. 

John’s eyes traveled up to his face and his breath caught. Those blue, blue eyes were looking right at him. John froze he couldn’t know he had been watching, could he? But he was looking right at him, eyes locked. John turned and went back to the study falling into his chair with a sigh. He was being stupid and risky. Staring like that even from a distance. Too much of a chance.

John had known of his perversion since early on in his life. And he had know for just as long that it was not accepted. He had chanced looks on and off through out his life settling for the fact that hidden glances were the most he could have. Never had he engaged in any acts of fagotry, nor did he ever intend to. He had in his later teenaged years gotten very good at generating vivid fantasy. He was convinced that it would be enough to allow him to lay with a woman when the time came. He was lucky that his parents hadn’t pushed him into courting very strongly. He had half heartedly courted a few girls, but always abandoned it after a few weeks telling his parents they just weren’t good fits. 

But this, what he found himself feeling for McKay. Never had he been so drawn to another man. Never before had another man shown interest in him. Is that what it was? That’s what it felt like. The way he spoke with undertones, phrases that meant much more than simple words. 

John took several deep breaths and stood, returning to the balcony. McKay was no longer there. The courtyard was very empty. With his father, brother, and the men they had taken gone there were fewer bodies in the house. Plus, with the fields up and running the attention of most of the staff was else where. It was quiet, it felt secluded. “This is a bad idea.” John said to himself as he left the study.

\----------

When he entered the stables he didn’t see McKay immediately. Not wanting to look like he was here looking for him, John grabbed an apple from a basket near the tack room and went to PJ. The gelding happily crunched into it and John smiled. “Good boy,” he said patting his neck and combing the animal’s mane with his fingers. 

“That he is sir.” This time instead of surprise McKay’s words brought anticipation, and nerves. “Ford said you wouldn’t be riding this morning. I can saddle him now if you like.” John turned to face the other man and it took him a moment to find his voice. Far away he had found McKay appetizing, up close it was even better.

“No, its fine,” He said proud when his voice sounded normal. 

“Very well,” McKay wiped sweat from his brow with that ever present rag of his and then tucked it into the front of his trousers. “Sir, were you displeased with my work earlier?” He asked and John got a confused look on his face. “When I, uh was yelling a the stable hand. I tend to be very particular about how things are done, find its safer that way. I have been told I am too abrasive at times, too harsh. But I do find it is necessary.”

“No,” John said looking back to PJ and trying to figure out what the hell he was doing. This was dangerous. “I understand and agree with your concern for safety.”

McKay hummed and crossed his arms over his chest. “Sir, then why may I ask were you watching me.” John could feel his heart pounding in his throat, felt his body heat from the inside out. “If not from displeasure…then perhaps from pleasure.” John turned to look at him now. He had never expected him to be so brazen, but perhaps—he was starting to think—that was just who Mr. McKay was. 

“I, I don’t quite follow Mr. McKay,” John said choosing to play dumb so he could still have an out if he chickened out. _Chickened out of what,_ he thought. What exactly was his goal here? To prove that McKay was like him? Well that seemed to be proven already if you asked John. So what then? How far was he going with this.

“Well sir, logic would dictate that if you weren’t staring because you were _displeased_ , it would mean you were pleased. The question,” he paused, took a step closer. “Is how pleased.” John opened his moth to reply but McKay beat him to it. “And my name is Rodney, Mr. McKay is my father.” 

John stared not sure what to say, what to do. Surly he’d had a plan before coming down here? No, actually he hadn’t. The plan had been see what happens and now here he was. “If you tell anyone,” John started voice tight with both authority and nerves. 

“Tell anyone what sir?” McKay—Rodney—said taking a step closer. There was no doubt that he was in John’s personal space now. He didn’t move just waited. John swallowed thickly. _This is mad,_ he thought right before he leaned in and brushed his lips to Rodney’s. They were lightly warm and soft and moving with his. The kiss was soft, slow, close mothed and Rodney let him lead. John broke off breathing hard and hadn’t realized that he had brought his hands to Rodney’s arms. The other man just looked at him with those blue, blue eyes hands resting loosely on John’s waist.

 _Well there,_ John thought. _Got that out of my system._ He cleared his throat and stepped back. “ Well, I’m sure…you have work to do.” He said with confidence, again proud that his voice didn’t shake. 

“Yes sir,” McKay said with only a touch of…was it sadness? He nodded then turned and busied himself in the feed room. 

John turned to leave and refused to admit that his legs felt weak and ignored the thunder of his heart in his chest. 

\----------

Rodney really had nothing to do in the feed room. Mainly he had walked into it to create the illusion of business. To escape the rejection of his employer. He shouldn’t be surprised really. Honestly what had he been thinking. He had seen the looks John had given him, but why on Earth he thought it was a good idea to call him on it he had no clue. Sighing he scrubbed his hands over his face and walked back out to the main room of the stables. As he thought John was gone. 

He walked over to the stall with the big broodmare he had been working on and looked in at her. She was a large dapple gray horse with soft eyes and a long mane. “What is wrong with me Bell?” He asked softly. It hadn’t just been stupid it had been dangerous. John was practically the head of the estate, hell he _was_ head of the estate in his father's absence. One word from him and Rodney would be out on his ass. They wouldn’t question John’s choice and Rodney knew it. “How do I always do this?” He entered Bells stall and put on her tack leading her out of the stall. “Its always something. I mouth off, talk back to the wrong person, something. Now I will be back out looking for work yet again. And to think all my wasted potential.”

He led Bell out the back of the stables and tied her to the stock that he used for his farrier work, a set of parallel rails that she stood between. He tied her reins to each side securing her for his work. Rodney enjoyed working with horses he mainly did it because he was good at it, but it wasn’t his passion. Math, science, literature. Those were his passions, but he had thrown all that away the same way he had probably just thrown this job away. And he had tried so hard too. He had been careful not to talk back when working with the main house hold. Had even elected to stay in the substandard living quarters of the stable bunk house to minimize contact, and in turn, minimize his chances to fire off his big mouth. Big talk had cost him more than one—or two, or three—jobs. Which was what he had feared the other day when he had spoke to John about his views on slavery.

Rodney picked up one of Bell’s front feet and held it between his legs. They all needed work. He had been hesitant to work on her due to the abscess. Even though it was on one of her back feet it made her shy to have any of them messed with. She tugged lightly when he started to work but settled quickly.

“Its like my mouth by passes my brain half the time,” Rodney spoke as he picked out all the caked in dirt, then trimmed off larger portions that were leaning toward over grown. Being stuck in the stables she hadn’t been able to wear them down like the horses in the pasture. “And I had been doing so good at keeping my mouth shut this time…..I guess except for that part where it was on Mr. Sheppard’s.” He sighed as he set to filing the hoof down smooth and even. 

He repeated the process on all her other hooves saving the injured one for last. Carefully Rodney lifted and held it. Bell snorted and tried to pull her foot away but Rodney didn’t let her. “Just hold tight I’m not gonna hurt you,” he soothed as he pocked around her frog with a pick. Checking for soft spots or pits that would suggest a relapse in the abscess. The tissue was firm and healthy and he quickly trimmed and filed the healed foot. 

“There we go how’s that feel.” He said letting her foot down. She huffed and scrapped her foot on the ground. Pleased with himself Rodney patted her neck and offered her an apple slice. “There we go girl. No more abscess and fresh feet. Good life for a horse.” He lead her back to he stable, as she was only bound for the pasture shoes weren’t necessary. She whinnied when he closed the gate ears back in announce. “Yeah, yeah I know you want back in the pasture. Hang out here for a bit I’ll run you later make sure your feet are as good as I think. Not that I’m wrong, I’m rarely wrong. Never wrong.” He corrected and walked down the isle of the stables to where PJ was held. 

He was a tall bright red horse with a mostly white face and one white stocking on his back left leg. “You’re a beauty.” He said stepping into the stall. He patted PJ’s side as he moved around him careful to let the creature know where he was. Picking up one of his front feet he inspected the hoof and decided he could use a full clean and trim as well. “Especially if Mr. Sheppard is going to be riding you around all season.”

He lead PJ out of the stall and down to the stock. “So what’s your master’s deal?” He asked as he set about cleaning and trimming. “I mean really? Looking at me like that was a serious risk, any one could have seen…not that anyone else was there—but still. And what made him think it was ok? Did I give him some sort of clue or something?” Rodney stood up and walked around to pet PJ’s nose. “I mean I know I’m awkward socially but I think I would know if I had been making advances, right?” PJ just snorted loudly and threw his head a little. “Yeah that’s helpful, thanks.” 

Finishing with PJ he led him back to his stall. Then went back outside and fired up the forge next to the stock. Fitting all the horses for Master Sheppard’s trip had eaten up all of the rough horse shoes he’d had premade. He pumped the bellows bringing the coals to life, and sending sparks flying. The heat coming off it was already making him sweat, that was the one thing about forging he didn’t enjoy.

When he had first taught himself how to forge he was surprised by just how delicate and scientific the craft was. The metal had to be heated just right to work with. Couldn’t cool down to much while you were working it. Some metals heated up faster than others and were tricky to form. It wasn’t his favorite hobby but he didn’t despise it. Mainly he made horse shoes for long trips. Occasionally he had to beat out new rings for the carriage wheels or make a batch of nails for rebuilding this or that. He had even attempted making a few knives, but that had proven much more tricky. The metal was more difficult to work and more often than not Rodney just found himself getting frustrated and quitting.

With the forge up and running he got to work and pounded out two or so dozen rough horse shoes. Making them in bulk to resize later was just smart. It saved time and gave him something to do to clear his head. He got lost in his head while he worked. Unconsciously calculation the curvature of each one, trying to be as consistent as he could. By the time he was done it was nearly high noon and standing over the forge was becoming torturous. He spooned water onto it, stepping back from the smoke as the coals hissed and died. 

Walking over to Bell he wiped the sweat from his brow and chest with his rag. “Lunch then we’ll run you alright.” He said and offered her his hand which she nosed and huffed at.

\----------

John was just reentering the study after an early lunch when he stepped out onto the balcony again. He sighed and leaned on the railing trying to decide what he wanted to do now. After the incident with Mr. McKay—Rodney—he had tried working the books some more but was constantly distracted. So he had decided on an early lunch which he had lingered on, until the head cook had chased him form the kitchen with a stern look. “I can’t prepare things for supper with you moping around my work space.” She had said hands on her hips. John had sighed and left.

It was just after high noon now and the estate seemed still. He couldn’t see the field from here and the courtyard and stables were calm. At least they were when John had first stepped out onto the balcony. Now his eyes were drawn to where Rodney was entering the coral with the large broodmare on a lead. John watched as Rodney ran with her. What for him was a run for her was a light trot. He pulled her along to one end then made a sharp turn forcing her back with him the other way. She was moving well from what John could see, his father would be pleased she had healed so well.

Rodney, John thought also move quite nicely. He was obviously working hard to run fast enough to get her to trot but made it look almost easy. John remembered once as a young teen when one of their old stable heads had been running horses, and he had asked to help. The old man had laughed at him but let him help. John had regretted it almost instantly. It was not as easy as it looked from afar. You weren’t just running next to a horse you were also still controlling it and that was easier said than done. 

Rodney made it look easy. John could feel his heart jump to his throat again and felt the heat return to his chest. “This is _still_ a very bad idea,” John said to himself in the study's mirror at the same time checking the line of his shave and fit of his waistcoat. “But he did do a good job with Bell, I should tell him as much.” John said to himself attempting to convince himself that he was definitely _not_ going back to the stables with the hope of another kiss. He took several deep breaths as he left the house. He was determined not to be a nervous wreck this time. “You know he’s like you that’s one less thing to be afraid of.” He whispered to himself.

\----------

Rodney was breathing heavily as he led Bell back to her stall. He closed it and she whinnied loudly at him excited and still mad about not being in the pasture. He stood for a minute catching his breath and wiping the sweat from him face and neck with his rag.

“She looked great.” Rodney startled at Mr. Sheppard’s voice. He was leaning against PJ’s stall. “And you did PJ’s hooves I see.” He smiled and Rodney felt his face flush from something more than just the heat. There was something different about Mr. Sheppard this time. Still he seemed hesitant but he was holding himself with more confidence. 

“Thank you sir,” Rodney said tucking his rag back into his trousers, but kept ringing it in his hands nervously. He fidgeted with his hands when he was nervous. He was good with them, and moving them seemed calming for some reason. 

“I wanted to,” Mr. Sheppard cleared his throat and stepped toward him. “I wanted to talk with you about some of the things that will change if this deal my father is working on goes through.” He paused again looked down then back up at him and Rodney saw something in his eyes that made him swallow. “Can we speak in private.”

Rodney was tempted to point out they were already alone so technically it _was_ private. But then there was a little click in his head and, oh. He thought of what to do. He could direct Mr. Sheppard to his room but that was farthest away and would come across rude and presumptuous he was sure. Then there was the tack room, but it had a door that led outside the stables that any of the hands he had sent out to count horses and check fencing could come in through. So the feed room it was. 

“Uh, here sir.” He said opening the door and stepping in. He felt silly because it was a _feed room_ certainly nothing romantic would happen here of all places. Mr. Sheppard closed the door behind him and Rodney waited.

\----------

John stood there eyes taking in the room, it smelled like fresh hay and made him think of his childhood. And then there was Rodney right in front of him. He could smell the sweat and musk of the man and it was far more attractive than it should have been. John clenched his hands at his side determined to not lose his nerve, he had done well so far. He thought of when he had been a child. His grandfather had taken him and Dave down to one of the estate ponds to teach them to swim. “Best way to learn is to just do it.” He had said before throwing him and Dave in.

It had been foolhardy and dangerous but had some how worked. Swallowing his nerves John thought, _just do it._ “You can call me John,” he said, then was grabbing Rodney’s shoulders and pulling him into a kiss. It was not soft or slow like it had been earlier. It was too rushed and messy at the start, but calmed to just the right level of passion quickly. 

Rodney was right there with him hot breath against his face tongue licking into his mouth and John gasped. For some reason he hadn’t thought about that. He had kissed the few girls he had courted, and yes had used tongue because while not proper it had been what they wanted. It never made fire flare in him the way Rodney’s tongue was. It was like the physical embodiment of fire and John moaned. He slid his arms over Rodney’s broad shoulders and down over his strong back. The skin was hot and slick with sweat and Christ that should not turn him on as much as it did. 

Apparently the new contact spurred Rodney on. The other man surged forward, buried his hands in John’s hair and pushed him back against the door so hard John had to part from him for air. The brake was momentary. Their eyes locked then Rodney pushed forward again and John met him lips moving together wetting, tongues mapping out everything they could. They parted to gulp air periodically but other than that they were locked together. John ran his hands up and down Rodney’s back loving the feel of it. This was what he wanted, the strength of a man. 

Rodney groaned into his mouth and moved his hands from John’s hair to cup either side of his jaw. John moaned into his mouth at this and repositioned his own arms, because if he was diving in he was going for the deep end. He replaced them firmly on Rodney’s ass and _yes_ it was as full and firm as it had looked. Rodney moaned at the new contact and rocked his hips forward into John. They both stopped, parting and gasping. 

John had felt the hardness of Rodney press into his own swollen length. A feeling he had convinced himself he would never risk experiencing. But here it was right in front of him. John swallowed, looked Rodney in the eye and rocked his own hips forward. The other man shuddered and dropped his head to John’s neck rocking right back into him. John gasped thinking, _Yes I’m actually doing this!_ And then—

“Mr. McKay! You here sir!” John froze he didn’t recognize the voice but apparently Rodney did. He groaned and lifted his head from John’s shoulder. 

“What boy!” He shouted loud enough to be heard threw the door at the same time moving back so he wasn’t yelling in John’s ear. John met his eyes and knew he must look panicked because Rodney stroked his face in a gesture far to tender for the heat of a few moments ago. “Stable boy,” he muttered and stepped back. He flushed brightly and adjusted the front of his trousers before gripping John by the shoulders and moving him away from the door to the back of the room. He opened the door and stuck his head out. “What boy?” He asked even more annoyed than the first time. A young dark skinned boy with a wide smile was looking over the door to a stable a ways down and turned to him.

“Found a section of bad fence sir. Looks like it could come down any time,” the boy said starting toward him. Rodney stepped out of the feed room pulling the door mostly closed behind him, severely hoping that willing his erection away, plus his extreme announce was making it less visible.

“Fine, good job. Round up the others I’ll get the supplies to fix it.” The boy just looked at him for a moment and Rodney glared. “ _Go_ ,” he said again and the boy turned and left. Rodney sighed and leaned on the door jam to the feed room. “It’s safe,” he said opening the door and stepping back in. John was right where he left him face blank but Rodney could see the fear in his eyes. “Was just one of my hands,” he said walking up to him. “Sir….John?”

John came back to himself at the sound of his name and looked up at Rodney. “You certain?”

“Yes,” he hesitated for a moment unsure if their moment had passed but went for it anyway. Placing a hand firmly on John’s shoulder he ran it up to the other man’s neck. “I have a fence to fix and you should go…for now?” he added it as a question not knowing what John truly wanted. 

“Yes,” he said with a nod and straitened his clothes, ran a hand through his hair—which did nothing as it was always unruly. “Uh, like I said. We have things to discuss. So I’ll be seeing you.” He gave Rodney a short nod and then shouldered past him and out of the stables. 

\----------

It was three days before John ventured to the stables with the intent of seeing Rodney again. After the close call that first time he wanted to be extra careful. So in the days immediately after he had stuck to routine. Go to the stable get PJ—no extra talking—go out to the fields. Come home have dinner, go over the books repeat. It worked well. Working in the field with his men tired him out so he couldn’t even consider getting physical with anyone, however the time working did give him plenty of time to _think_ about being with someone. For the first time in his life the someone from his fantasies had a name and a face.

So three days he had waited, and admittedly watched. He made a point to come back to the house for early lunches because he had discovered that Rodney did his most physical out door work just before high noon. Moving hay bails for the horses, moving the horses themselves if need be. While the weather had cooled back to spring and no longer warranted shirtlessness John still liked watching him work. 

Now John stood on the front porch of the estate watching his mother’s carriage leave and thinking that finally he felt alone enough to seek Rodney out again. The nervousness that had crippled him in their first meeting had been completely washed away by the heat they had shared in the feed room. John chuckled to himself at that. It would of course be _his_ luck to have his first remotely sexual experience in the feed room of the a horse stable. Ridiculous as the location had been it had washed away the majority of his fears and he walked in to the stables with confidence.

Then he saw that Rodney had saddled up Bell and secured a small pack to her back. Where did he think he was going?

“Sir,” Rodney said with a smile as he approached him. “I am taking Bell out for a ride, to ensure that she is fully healed and it is safe to put her free in the pasture. If she can handle the ride I’m sure she can handle the gentle hills here. After all my weight on her will put more force on that bad foot than any of the hills in the pasture will,” he opened his mouth to continue and noticed that John had the look people got when he was talking to much. “Anyway uh, I was thinking you might want to come with me. After all she is one of your father’s best broodmares. Wouldn’t want me doing anything…..reckless.”

John cocked an eyebrow at the invitation. Clearly he wasn’t the only one emboldened by their last encounter. “Is that so?” He asked faking annoyance. “And who will watch the estate while I am off gallivanting with you?” Rodney’s face dropped clearly he hadn’t thought of that. “And what makes you even think I would let you take her off our land. I barley know you. You could be a filthy heathen for all I know.” There was a playful smile on John’s face by the end and he had unintentionally let his voice drop to a low private octave.

Rodney smiled when he realized that John was only messing with him. “I assure you sir I am a most honorable man. Unless the situation calls for…more devious action.” He too let his voice drop and John couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I’ll make arrangements at the house and pack a few things. Prepare PJ, I’ll be back shortly.” With that he left toward the house grinning to himself as he went. He couldn’t believe he was actually doing this.

\----------

John told Ford he was in charge, waving off his questions of why. He packed a small bag with some essentials and was out and back in the stables not ten minutes later. Rodney was already mounted on Bell and had PJ ready as well. John secured his bag and saddled up. “Lead the way,” he said. “I believe you mentioned some clear trails last week?”

“Yes sir,” Rodney said and led them from the stables and off the estate to the woods behind it. It was a good day for riding the air was cool but the sun made it pleasantly warm. Shade from the trees making shadows dance over them and the air smelt like freedom. 

The path they took was wide enough for them to ride side by side and John found himself glancing over at the other man often. They rode in a comfortable silence that had John feeling safe, like this was right some how. “There is a small branch off ahead,” Rodney said and John nodded he remembered this trail from rides he had taken before. The branch came up and the path narrowed.

“After you,” John said and let Rodney go first. He was simply being polite. If being in the back gave him a clear view of McKay’s strong back under his tight shirt, well that was just a coincidence. “So,” he asked wanting to know more about his new friend, was that the right word? It didn’t seem quite right. “What interests you other than the horses?”

With this question John learned many things about Rodney McKay. The first being that the man loved to talk, and John loved hearing his voice. Second, he learned that Rodney was an academic. He was passionate about math, literature, and astronomy. Cartography and playing piano were also hobbies of his. As he spoke his hands moved with his words, at several points he made John nervous because he clearly wasn’t holding the reins as he rode. “I mean really think about it, we have no idea what else is out there. The stars and planets have such stories to tell. There is a never-ending continuum out there and yet people seem content that an all mighty being made the Earth in seven days? Ha impossible,” he paused after that and John realized he feared offense.

“You make good points,” he said reassuringly. He had read the good book but didn’t hold it close to his heart like some people he knew. “So with all this knowledge of yours how did you end up the head of our stables?”

“Well it wasn’t my first choice,” Rodney snorted looking over his shoulder at John. “I may have gotten fired from…..a few jobs before I found this one.”

“A few,” John said raising an eyebrow and smirking. Rodney huffed and turned back away from John.

“Alright more that a few, but I swear it was almost never really my fault.” He waggled a finger back in John’s direction for emphasis of this point. “First, I tried my hand at tutoring. Thought it would be a good fit with my intellect….but the parents I worked for frowned upon my uh, methods.” John thought of how he had heard Rodney yell at the stable boy and nodded in understanding. “Then I though music would be good, but playing the same songs over and over again for parties I wasn’t even allowed to socialize at was boring. After that I thought I could be a scribe, I have amazing penmanship and spelling…but the people I wrote for didn’t take well to my feed back that their stories or scientific theories were stupid and wrong.”

John laughed lightly at the huffiness in Rodney’s voice. “Well how dare they.” He said and Rodney turned around to give him a lighthearted glare. “So horses then?”

“Well I had worked with them, uh back home and was always good with them. I don’t know why they like me, honestly it’s a touch annoying at times. But they don’t talk back and are good listeners. Plus if I can read a book on it, I can do it. And do it well. There is no point doing something if you aren’t going to be the best at it.”

“So you just read up on horse care and figured you could do it? How did you get my father to higher you with that attitude and resume?” John laughed and smiled.

“Well…for one it was your mother that interviewed me. Oh we’re here!” The trail suddenly opened to a small plateau with a cliff on one side. Across form the cliff was a slow running spring flowing from the mountain side. John dismounted and tied PJ to a tree near the trail mouth where he could graze. 

“I forgot how high up this spring was.” He said looking over the cliff edge.

“Yes, so lets not fall off it,” Rodney said chastising and John rolled his eyes. He turned to see that Rodney had tied Bell next to PJ and was currently laying out a thick wool blanket near the side of the plateau that was backed by a mountain wall. He looked nervous and opened his mouth to speak only to close it again. 

John smiled and retrieved a blanket he had packed on to PJ. He opened it on top of Rodney’s and sat down. “Like minds,” he drawled and patted the space next to him. 

Rodney sat close enough that John could feel his heat, but not touching. “So,” he started wringing his hands nervously. “What about you? What’s there to know about John Sheppard?”

John shrugged and fell onto his back folding his hands behind his head. “What’s there to tell? I’m the son of an estate owner. I have responsibilities for the crops, and one day I will run the estate.” He said all this with an air that clearly told how unenthused he was by all that. 

“Well duh,” Rodney said rolling his eyes. “I meant the real you. What do you actually like?”

“Ummm, shooting,” John started. “Not so much hunting, but more like target shooting. And riding. God I like riding…but father says that is for children and travelers not grown men who are to be a property holders one day.”

“Why do you like riding so much?” Rodney asked enjoying the light that had made its way to the other man’s hazel eyes.

“You’ll think its silly.” John huffed.

“No, I won’t. Promise.”

“Ok so its like… I love watching birds,” John stopped when he heard Rodney snort and he turned a mock glare on him. “Oh never mind.”

“No! Tell me John,” Rodney said placing a hand on his elbow. “I wasn’t laughing, I just don’t see how bird watching relates to riding.”

“Because of the way they move,” John continued. “I love watching them fly. I wish _I_ could do that just fly and be free like that. And riding, _really_ riding, pushing your horse letting them take the lead and run as far and fast as they want….that is what flying must feel like. What freedom must feel like.” He paused and looked at Rodney. The other man was watching him with a soft smile and John blushed. “I wanted to be a soldier. Not for the war or glory, but the freedom. To travel and protect people.” John sighed and turned his eyes to the tree tops. “You’ve gotten to travel…” he said and Rodney hummed softly, a sound that sounded displeased. When John looked at him Rodney was looking off into the distance with slightly sad eyes. “Rodney, where were you from before you came here?”

“I told you,” Rodney said shrugging. “I was a tutor then—”

“No,” John cut him off. “Not what you did. Where you came from.”

“Well…I’m from the north originally. Pennsylvania. My family was well off. Not like yours of course. We didn’t have an estate or anything just a farm with enough land and to make money. I was as you can imagan very scholarly.” John huffed a laugh at this and Rodney glared half heartedly. “I liked to read…had a lot of book.” His face got a little red and he cleared his throat. “I managed to come into possession of some books relating to…uh, my perversion.” 

“Oh really?” John asked eyebrows shooting up to his hairline.

“Uh, yeah. I thought I had hidden them well but one of the maids found them. Gave them to my father.” Rodney sighed and looked over at the spring watching the water fall absently. “He burned them of course. But didn’t say much about it…he didn’t really say much at all to me after that. In the months after I don’t think he spoke a full sentence to me. My mother couldn’t look me in the eye, heck even the servants treated me differently. Always whispering behind my back. My sister was the only one who, well I can’t say she approved but she accepted it. When she found out she said ‘its not my job to judge you’ and that was that.”

“Did they kick you out,” John asked voicing his own fear if his father ever found out about him.

“No, but I was exiled in my own home. Treated like an outsider. My father cut off my access to the family money and line of credit.” Rodney sighed and shrugged. “So I left. Thought it would be better that way.”

“You miss them don’t you?” John said reaching out and placing a hand on Rodney’s knee.

“My sister mostly, but she still writes sometimes.” Rodney said looking down at John’s hand.

John nodded he remembered seeing the occasional letter come in for Rodney. They didn’t come often but when they did they were always as thick as a small book. Deciding that they needed a happier topic John circled back to what Rodney had said at the beginning of his story. “So….you had books. About being with men?”

Rodney flushed brightly and looked away from him. “Yes, um I did…for scholarly reasons of course.” John rolled his eyes, he could just picture Rodney trying to use that line with his father.

“Did you ever, you know try any of it?” John asked in a soft voice running his fingers over Rodney’s knee.

“No,” Rodney admitted. “I tried few times—you know with women—but it um, didn’t really work that well.” 

John could hear the embarrassment in the other man’s voice and sat up not talking his hand from Rodney’s knee. “Well,” he started turning his body toward Rodney. “ _It_ seemed to work just fine the other day.” He spoke softly, voice intentionally intimate. 

Rodney met his eyes and swallowed thickly. “Yes, yes it did. And like wise,” he said voice a little rough. John smiled at him and Rodney couldn’t not kiss him. They stayed like that for a long moment. Kissing softly as John’s hand moved up and down his thigh. Then they parted for a moment and Rodney saw how red and shining John’s lips were. He groaned and took John by the shoulders turning him to lay down on the blanket, covering him with his body.

John smiled at the move. Rodney’s control and strength and weight sending pleasure threw him. He brought his arms under Rodney’s looping them up to grip his strong shoulders. He shifted his legs so they were interlocked with Rodney’s. This was it everything he had wanted, everything he never thought he could have. He kissed Rodney with renewed passion sucking on his tongue and biting his lip gently. This made the other man moan so John did it again, then plunged his tongue into Rodney’s mouth.

Rodney groaned deep in his chest and shifted the leg between John’s thighs his knee brushing John’s crotch. They parted and John moaned. Rodney smiled and repeated the action dropping his head to John’s neck covering it with wet sucking kisses. He continued to rub John with his knee and soon John was moving with him bucking against his leg.

“Rodney,” John gasped and it sent a shudder threw said man. Sitting up he let his eyes rake over the man below him. Flushed face, lips swollen from kisses and bites. His eyes traveled down to where his knee was pressed into John’s crotch and moved it back. He let out a breath at the site of John’s trousers bulging lewdly with his erection.

“Can I?” Rodney asked even as his hands moved to the buttons holding them closed.

“Only if I can as well,” John breathed and Rodney noticed that he was being eyed in a similar fashion. Rodney nodded and John didn’t hesitate. He reached out and cupped the hard heat pressing against the buttons of Rodney’s trousers. This made him moan and John licked his lips thinking he could get addicted to that sound. His fingers were shaking as he undid the fastenings but, it was excitement not nerves. He popped the last one open and it took very little coxing to get Rodney’s cock out. 

John had never seen another man like this and his throat went dry. Rodney was thick and long, hardness drawing his foreskin down to show the glands. “Wow,” he said and had to touch wrapping his hand around the solid shaft. He pumped slowly and Rodney let out a shaky breath. He squeezed and Rodney gave a little growl. Looking up at his face John saw he was flushed with lust, pupils wide.

“I need,” he said and reached for John’s pants again. John thought he might have ripped a button off with how eager he was to open them. He didn’t care because suddenly his cock was in Rodney’s strong hand. He looked at the sight and it made his head spin with pleasure. Rodney was a bit larger than him but it didn’t matter they were both perfect. They were perfect together.

Rodney stroked him and John moaned at the feel of his strong calloused hands. It was heaven. Unconsciously he squeezed Rodney in return and Rodney groaned letting his head fall forward. John moved his hand steadily. He watched in a daze as his hand and Rodney’s foreskin moved over the shaft and head. It was better than any fantasy he had ever dreamt of. He went a little faster, a little harder and was pleased to feel Rodney shiver above him. 

John was receiving much the same treatment at the hands of Rodney. His wide palm circling John beautifully, his callouses just the right amount of rough. Rodney’s firm strokes moved his skin pleasantly, calloused fingers rubbing in just the right spot over his head. “Stop!” He gasped and Rodney listened meeting his eyes and removing his hand from John. Fearing he had sounded too abrasive John opened his mouth to clarify but stopped when Rodney started to remove his shirt.

Pulling it over his head he set it aside and ran his hands down John’s clothed chest. “To many clothes,” he smirked and John nodded in agreement. He let his hand fall away from Rodney as he let the other man undress him. His dexterous fingers quickly undoing the fastening of his waist coat. John sat up enough to slip it from his shoulders and pull his shirt off. “God,” Rodney breathed pushing John flat with a hand to the center of his chest. His eyes traced the lines of John’s lean, toned body and his fingers carded through John’s chest hair softly. “Beautiful,” he said under his breath and John blushed and snorted.

“I’m not a woman,” he mocked but his eyes were smiling at the compliment. Reaching up he tugged Rodney down by the back of his neck and connected their mouths. Kissing seemed to get easier and easier, and John was sure it was something he needed everyday from now on. He bit Rodney’s lip and arched up into him. They both moaned as their cocks slid together for the first time and that was it.

They fell into an easy pace, Rodney rocking down and John rocking up to meet him eagerly. John had been wrong before because this, _this_ was heaven. And it was hot and sweaty and slick and perfect. They kissed on and off, Rodney was fond of John’s neck and the other man wasn’t complaining. Until Rodney bit him a little too hard and he gasped “No, marks!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Rodney panted and his pace quickened. Their rhythm began to fall apart and then Rodney stiffened, groaned deep and low in his chest. John gasped and shuddered at the feeling of the other man cumming over him. That feeling was it, too much and he came as well biting his lip in a choked moan. 

They stayed that was for a long moment. Rodney with his head buried in John’s neck and John lightly scrapping his nails down the broad back under his hands. Rodney was growing heavy atop him but John didn’t care he liked it. Then there was a shuffling in the branches above them as a squirrel ran through the trees and Rodney shifted lifting his head to meet John’s eyes. They just looked at each other for a moment then kissed again.

“Quite the mess,” Rodney said rocking his hips lightly. John chuckled and pushed at his shoulders. Rodney rolled off him and shimmied out of his pants pulling off his shoes in the process. John watched curiously as Rodney stood now fully nude and walked to Bell retrieving a cloth from his pack. Rodney’s ass looked even better out of pants than it did in them and John couldn’t help but stare. “I feel so objectified.” He said dryly with false hurt as he cleaned himself off under John’s gaze.

“Sorry,” He said feeling like a pervert.

“Don’t be,” Rodney said walking back to the blanket and handing John a clean cloth. Sitting down he opened the small bag he had also brought back with him. 

“Are you going to dress?” John asked watching as Rodney pulled out servings of bread, cheese, and dried fruit.

“Hadn’t planed to. Does it bother you?” He asked as he chewed an apple piece. In answer John stripped off his pants and shoes as well and Rodney smiled offering him food. “That was…” Rodney started but didn’t know how to finish.

“Yeah, yeah it was.” John finished for him and leaned over to kiss his sweaty shoulder with a smile. 

Rodney chuckled. “What an articulate pair we are.” John laughed with him, for the first time feeling like this was who he was supposed to be.


	2. Who They Want Me To Be

John had never felt so happy. So right. So sure of himself. He and Rodney continued their trips to the spring up on the mountain, talking the whole way there and back each time. Taking jabs at each other whenever they got the chance. John found the look Rodney got when he was bested in conversation and unable to get in the last word very satisfying. They would lay together sometimes fully clothed other times nude and just bask in each others presents. The sex was great and made John flush and smile whenever he thought about it.

Of course they didn’t venture out every day. His mother had asked about the riding trips once and John had thought quick on his feet, telling her Rodney was skilled in cartography and was mapping out the land and trails. She had been pleased by his answer saying it would make his father happy. This brought up the problem that they would actually need a map to show for their work. Amazingly this was not a problem as Rodney had already been working on one. 

However after his mother’s inquiry they lessened and shortened their trips. On the days his mother left for luncheons John spent almost all day with Rodney without care. The servant’s assumed he was familiarizing himself with the horse business more thoroughly and he encouraged this by speaking about it periodically. Over all he felt both reckless and safe at the same time.

Currently he was riding back from a day helping in the fields. He found Rodney perched on a stack of hay bales weaving new tack. “Where do you learn those patterns?” He asked leading PJ into his stall and removing his tack and saddle.

“I make them up mostly,” Rodney said shrugging. “Its just a physical embodiment of math really. Each piece is like a number. Cross them in a certain order and you get an answer that adds up to make sense. Math is full of patterns.” John cocked an eyebrow giving him a skeptical look. “It makes sense in my head.”

“Why do I get the feeling that would be scary place to be?” John chuckled as he brushed down PJ. 

Setting down his project Rodney made his way over to John crowding him into the corner of the horse stall. “You just think you’re so funny,” He said arms crossed over his chest. “I’ll have you know my mind would be a brilliant place to be.”

“Funny somehow I get the feeling I’m on your mind a lot.” John drawled and earned an eye roll from the other man. John glanced around and then leaned in to press a quick kiss against Rodney’s frowning lips. When he pulled back the other man was smiling and this made John smile. “I have to go in for dinner, but I’ll see you tomorrow. Mother has another social event in town.”

Rodney nodded and moved back from John, taking the brush from him. “I’ll finish with PJ. Enjoy your evening.” John turned and left glancing back at him in a way that made Rodney feel warm inside. He was just finishing up with PJ when he heard laughter from the stall next to him. Looking over the side his eyes went wide. Crouched in the corner tossing seeds to a family of mice that had taken up residence in the empty stall was his youngest stable hand.

“Boy!” He shouted startling the child so much that he fell back on his bum. He scrambled to stand and turned to look at Rodney. He was seven at the most and Rodney couldn’t have told you his name if his life depended it. He was also the same boy that had interrupted him and John in the feed room. “How long have you been there?” Rodney demanded moving into the empty stall to stare down at him menacingly. 

The boy just shrugged looking down at the straw covered floor. “Sorry sir, I know I should be counting the horses for the evening.” He said in a small voice. “I didn’t realize how late it had gotten until Mr. Sheppard came back.”

Rodney swallowed, so he had heard them. “What did you catch of our conversation.” Again the boy shrugged and Rodney clenched his jaw.

“Sir, what’s it feel like to love some one?” He asked after a moment of silence, still looking down at the ground and thumbing the edge of his shirt. 

Rodney’s eyes went wide and he grabbed he boy’s shirt collar in a strong grip. Pulling him in and forcing him to look up at him. “You will not imply that around others, do you hear me? You _did not_ hear me and Mr. Sheppard talking tonight. Do I make that clear?” 

“Yes sir,” The boy whimpered big fat tears welling in his eyes.

Rodney released him with a sigh and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Don’t cry boy,” he huffed and knelt down to be at his level. Rodney saw confusion and hurt in his eyes and realized that his question had been brought on by the pure innocent curiosity for youth. He probably had no clue it was frowned upon for men to lie together. “It feels like….you’re floating.” Rodney tried we was bad with describing emotions. “Like everything gets lighter some how, like everything is effortless. Does that make sense?” 

The child wiped his eyes and nodded with a big smile full of teeth. He moved to run past Rodney but he grabbed the boy’s arm before he could get away. “I meant what I said. You never heard us talking. Understand?” 

With a curt nod he said, “Yes, Mr. McKay. Not a word.” And Rodney let him go. He put away some equipment and brushed down a few more horse. Then retired to his room. Rodney was sitting down on his bed and removing his shirt before he realized it. He had admitted that he _loved_ John. He was in love with John Sheppard and he was glad he was alone because he was sure he was smiling like an idiot.

\----------

“I am so looking forward to your father’s return,” John’s mother was saying over dinner. John startled at that and had to think on it. They had gotten a letter from him over a week ago saying they were preparing to set out on their return trip home. 

John swallowed and calculated the travel time for the mail plus the length of their journey. His father and brother would be back any day. Could have been back today. John had completely forgotten about the letter. Further more he hadn’t even realized how long it had been. His father had been gone for nearly two months. Had he really had only that much time with Rodney? It felt like so much more. 

He cleared his throat feeling hot under the collar. “Yes, it will be good to see them again. He made it sound like things had gone well when he wrote.” His mother nodded and smiled. John tried to smile back but he could tell it wasn’t very convincing. 

“Are you alright dear?” She asked placing a hand over his sweetly.

“Just not feeling all that well. Tired,” he said picking at his food.

“Perhaps an early night for you then. You have been working very hard. Too hard in the fields,” she said the last part as a soft scold. 

John sighed and folded his napkin over his plate. “An early night sounds nice.” He stood and didn’t even bother taking his own plate to the kitchen like he normally did. He walked to his room with a weight in his heart. Once his father and brother were back he wouldn’t be able to see Rodney, not like he had been. They wouldn’t be able to ride out together and the carless afternoons he spent talking with him in the stables would become quick professional exchanges. 

Back to hiding. Back to being who his father wanted him to be. He stripped and fell into bed with a dejected sigh. He wasn’t sure he would be able to go back to wearing that mask. He wasn’t sure he could look at Rodney and not smile like a fool. He would try, he had too. But for how long? Living a lie seemed like an even worse fate now that he had a taste of what happiness could really be. 

\----------

The weather the next morning seemed to mimic his feelings. Thick clouds were hanging low on the horizon obscuring the mountain view. Strong winds pushed them on and showers fell on and off all morning. By afternoon the clouds had became nearly black and the sky had opened up in a sheeting rain.

“Unpleasant travel weather,” Mrs. Sheppard said from where she was looking out the study balcony. “I hope your father and brother stay safe.”

“I’m sure they will be fine,” John drawled not in the mood to try and sound chipper.

“You are worried aren’t you,” she said coming to stand next to him where he was slouched in his chair. “Don’t be I’m sure he will be pleased with how you have been running things. The crops are looking fine and you have been studying up in the horse business . He will be glad to see how hard you have been working.” John just hummed and she patted his shoulder. “Well I’ve canceled my luncheon due to the weather. I’m going to the tea room. I want to finish the needle point I’ve been working on.”

John nodded silently as she left and watched wind whip the rain around. It was falling in sheets so hard it had turned day into night. He looked out to the stables. If his father was returning today, tomorrow, soon; he wanted to make the most of the time he had. 

Leaving the study he peaked into the tea room to find his mother already engrossed in an intricate needle point. He knew that it would have her distracted for hours. “Need the Misses, Mr. Sheppard?” 

John jumped at the voice behind him, it was Teyla. “I—no. Just, if she askes where I’ve gone tell her I went to my rooms to read and go over some…documents.” He finished lamely. “And that I do not wish to be disturbed.”

“Very well sir,” she said walking with him as he moved down the hall. “I would take a jacket sir…I fear it may be a bit breezy in your quarters.” She gave him a side long glance and he stopped dead in his tracks.

She gave him a soft smile and he clenched his jaw, face carefully blank. “I don’t know what you are implying.” She gave a subtle eye roll and kept walking. “Have we been that obvious…” he whisper under his breath knowing she had him figured out.

“Obvious about what Sir?” She said turning to the kitchen door to leave him. “Stay dry and warm, wouldn’t want you catching the pneumonia.” With that she was gone. John wiped his sweaty palms on his pants. By God he hoped no one else had noticed. He wasn’t going to let that stop him now. If he was going to be outed when his father returned at least he was going to go out with a bang.

\----------

Rodney was tucked away in his room to wait out the storm. He had done as much work as he could but even with the doors closed the stables were terribly breezy. He had a couple oil lamps burning to give the room enough glow to read by and had a small fire burning in the hearth on the far wall.

Currently he was sitting cross legged on his bed, the large plank of wood he used for a ‘desk’ sitting on his lap. The room was too small for an actual desk but he made do. Along the wall opposite the hearth he had built a set of tall book cases that went all the way to the ceiling. They were packed full of journals and leather bound scholarly readings. Along with several thick scrolls of bound up maps, many of which were done by his own hand. Next to that there was a small rack where he hung his clothes along with a mirror and shaving kit. It was odd to think that everything he had to his name was in this one small room. But at lease the bed was surprisingly comfortable.

He was scratching out a letter to Jeannie. It had been a long time since he had written her and just like in person he had a lot to say in writing. He mainly wanted to tell her about John. Wanted someone to know about the happiness they had found with each other. He didn’t name names, and gave very little detail simply saying that he had met someone and was happier than he had ever been. He was just finishing up lamenting about how John was handsome _and_ intelligent when there was a knock on his door. 

At first Rpndney thought it was the wind, he never got callers. Then it came again and he stood sliding his writing board under the bed for safe keeping. Rodney cracked the door just enough to see who was there and gasped. “John! What on Earth,” he grabbed him and pulled him inside quickly glancing around outside before shutting the door again. “What are you doing here? You look like a drowned rat! Are you trying to get sick? Or worse, trying to get caught?” John opened his moth to speak but Rodney kept talking. “You are soaked through. What did you take the scenic rout over here? Get out of your clothes set them by the fire to dry.” 

John laughed whole heartedly at Rodney’s rambling. He loved how much he talked. “Well if you insist,” he said with a smirk and took off his jacket to hang by the fire. His waistcoat and shirt followed and he was unbuttoning his trousers before Rodney found his voice again. 

“Oh, well I didn’t mean for that to sound so. Uh,” John was nude in front of him and Rodney flushed grabbing one of the lighter blankets he kept folded at the end of his bed. He thrust it at John and the other man took it. “John, really what are you doing here. If you get caught.”

“No one saw me. With this storm going there was no one out to see, and mother is preoccupied else where.” John said wrapping the blanket over his shoulders to ward off the chill his wet clothes had brought. “And I needed to see you.”

Rodney was a little surprised by the bluntness of the statement but it warmed him. “Oh…well please,” he motioned to his bed only slightly embarrassed by his small quarters and lack of proper seating. 

“Thank you,” John said and sat looking around to take in the room. He had never been in Rodney’s quarters, hadn’t really thought about it. He smiled at the over stuffed book shelf. It screamed of Rodney and John could just imagine if he had a proper room it would be wall to wall with literature. 

“Is everything alright?” Rodney asked sitting next to him.

“My father and brother will be back soon,” John said deciding it was best to just get it out. He saw Rodney’s face drop and frowned himself as well. “We won’t be able to spend as much time together. We will have to be much more careful.” 

Rodney nodded. “Yes, I understand.” He pressed his lips together and sighed through his nose. “And you are sure we should continue with this? John, you have so much to lose.”

John stared into the fire and spoke honestly. “Rodney, that thought never crossed my mind. I don’t think I could ever give this up. Give you up,” the last part was spoken in a mumbled whisper as John still looked to the fire and not Rodney. He was bad at this, talking about feelings. It made his gut twist unpleasantly even though what he was saying was kind. 

“Neither could I,” Rodney said and stroked a hand down John’s back. “When will they be back?”

“Tomorrow probably, with this weather we might have an extra day but I don’t know.” He turned to look at Rodney and let the blanket he was wrapped in fall from his shoulders. “I don’t want to waste the time I know I have with you.” He pulled Rodney into a kiss and the other man went easily. 

They kissed for a moment and then Rodney laid back on his narrow bed pulling John on top of him. Rodney welcomed the weight of him and nuzzled at his jaw line, tracing it with nibbling kisses. John sighed deeply and relaxed into him.

John had his hands on Rodney’s shoulders gripping at the firm muscle there and ran them down his sides and back up again. “Shirt off,” he demanded tugging at it when he ran his hands down to Rodney’s waist again.

“Right, right.” Rodney said. He sat up and John went with him moving to straddle his thighs. Rodney tugged his shirt free of his pants and then up and off. John just looked at him and traced his hands over the bare chest in front of him. He ran his fingers through the soft patch of hair in the middle then out to brush his fingers over Rodney’s nipples. This had Rodney gasping lightly and the muscles of his pecks jumped slightly. Smiling John leaned in and bit one nipple then the other. His hands kept moving down over Rodney’s ribs, then around to the solidness of his stomach. “God John,” Rodney groaned and buried his hands in John’s wild hair. He tugged him back up and kissed John passionately lying back down, returning John to his position sprawled on top of him.

John ground down into him and whined when his bare cock rubbed over the linen of Rodney’s trousers. “These too,” He commanded and began to unfasten them. Rodney just nodded and lifted his hips to allow John to pull them down. It was awkward as John seemed determine not to move off Rodney but they got it done and John plastered himself over his lover again. 

They kissed and rocked against each other. Rodney nipped at John’s shoulders and tangled his hands in John’s hair positioning his head where he wanted it. Moving up his neck with sucking kisses until he found John’s full lips again. He wanted to explore every part of the other man and ran his hands down over every inch. Rodney traced John’s spine from the base of his skull down his back, and fanned his large hands out over his sides feeling the lean muscle clinging to his ribs. 

John trembled at the touch. Dropping his head to Rodney’s shoulder he panted against his skin, mouthed his wide shoulders. “So good,” he gasped against him and Rodney continued to explore his body. He moved his hands lower cupping John’s firm ass in his hands. He kneaded lightly and dipped his fingers down between the cheeks. John gave a startled shout and Rodney moved them away. “No,” John gasped.

“Sorry,” Rodney whispered and ran his hands back up John’s ribs.

“ _No_ ,” John said again and reached behind him to grab one of Rodney’s hands. He pulled it back down to his ass and said, “Don’t stop.” Rodney obeyed and dipped his fingers between his cheeks again. John shuddered as they stroked him. Gently running up and down creeping deeper between his cheeks until Rodney brushed his hole for the first time. John pushed back against the touch demanding more. Rodney stroked him there again and again running his finger around the tight ring of muscle. John was shivering with pleasure. It didn’t feel good like his cock did, but it felt more intimate than anything they had done before. Then Rodney pressed in and breached him slightly. John gasped his lover’s name and pushed back against him harder. “Yes, Rodney.” 

“Wait,” Rodney said and removed his hand. John practically growled at him but Rodney just grabbed his shoulders and rolled John off him and onto the bed as he got up. John huffed and crossed his arms trusting Rodney but at the same time annoyed beyond words. Rodney went to the bookshelf, he searched for only a moment before returning to the bed with a bottle of pale yellow liquid. “To make it easier,” he said and crawled back onto the bed pushing John onto his back and settling between his spread legs. Rodney looked nervous and John smiled.

“You won’t hurt me. I can take it.” Rodney nodded and John spread his legs a little wider. Rodney opened the bottle and poured some onto his fingers. It had no smell and when Rodney lowered his hand between his cheeks again his fingers were warm and slick. “You’re right that is better.” John said letting his head fall back onto the bed.

“I’m always right,” Rodney said with the utmost seriousness. John snorted at that and Rodney pushed his finger in as a response. John gasped and Rodney pressed in a little more. “Does it hurt?”

“No, but it aches a little.” John said looking up at the other man, his face flushed. Slowly Rodney withdrew his finger and pressed back in. The ache increased but felt good this time. A pleasant pressure. “I like it.” He said quietly averting his eyes from his lover at the comment, embarrassed by it.

“Me too. You look amazing,” Rodney said smoothing his free hand over John's stomach. He gently thrust a few more times then teased a second finger against the rim of John’s entrance. “I’m adding another. Tell me if its to much.” John nodded and Rodney pressed in slowly. He felt the other man twitch as his muscles protested the entry but John didn’t say to stop so he didn’t. Rodney watched his face twist from pleased to pained and back to a mixture of both. “Ok?”

“Burns a little,” John grit out hands moving to grip at the blankets under him. “Isn’t this supposed to feel good?” He asked. Honesty he had no idea. He had never done this before. He knew it was possible but that was the extent of his anal sex knowledge. 

“It does. There’s a place inside that’s amazing.” Rodney said moving his fingers a little brushing the tips firmly against walls surrounding them. 

John chuckled a little and squirmed. “And how would you know? Done this before?”

Rodney’s face got very pink at the question. “Not to anyone else but…” He trailed off and John’s eyes got wide, picking up on what the other man had left unsaid. The thought of Rodney doing this to himself was incredibly arousing. “I read about it as well.” He muttered and John smiled because of course he had.

John was about to make a smart ass comment about Rodney’s interest in ‘literature’ when something happened inside him. “Ah Christ!” He shouted caught off guard by the sharp spike of pleasure. He looked down at the other man wide eyed and Rodney just smirked up at him and did it again. This time John was prepared, and while he didn’t cry out he gave a low wanton groan. 

Suddenly John was much more relaxed and Rodney thrust his fingers a few times before touching the spot again. When he did the other man groaned and shuddered. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He could move his fingers freely in and out now with no resistance. He kept at this for several minutes just watching John squirm his cock untouched and twitching over his stomach. Deftly Rodney added a third finger and he didn’t think John even noticed. He stretched and stroked paying just enough attention to John’s prostate to keep him groaning but not close to cumming. 

“Rodney,” John gasped his hands moving from the bed to grip the other man’s firm biceps instead. “You can—if you want I mean..” The words were rushed and embarrassed and John couldn’t look Rodney in the eye as he spoke them. A soft but calloused hand cupped his a face making him look back up at his lover. The emotion in Rodney’s eyes was so raw it made John’s heart skip a beat.

“I want every part of you, you’re willing to give me.” He leaned down to kiss John and withdrew his hand. Sitting back up he poured more slick into his palm smoothing in over his large cock. “I’ve…never done this before so if its to much…If I hurt you or am doing it wrong tell me.” 

John just nodded his eyes locked on Rodney’s face. Rodney’s words and the emotion in his eyes had washed away his embarrassment and he wanted to see the other man do this. Wanted to see Rodney seeing him. He felt the other man press forward, felt the slick blunt head against him. John took a deep breath and then McKay was pressing in. The head popped through and it hurt. John flinched closing his eyes for just a moment before looking back to Rodney and nodding his encouragement. Their eyes locked as he pressed in and the look on Rodney’s face made John swell with pleasure. His mouth open in a silent ‘oh’ of pleasure and John was sure his own face mirrored it. 

The stretch of Rodney’s cock was intense but it was achingly good. The other man stilled and John gasped at the feel of him fully seated inside. “Christ Rodney…” he sighed finally shutting his eyes letting the feeling wash over him. 

“Yes,” Rodney gasped petting his hands over John’s stomach down to his thighs and back up. “You’re so warm inside. God you’re amazing.” He leaned down to kiss him and this caused him to slip out a little. John moaned against his mouth at the movement and carefully Rodney moved a little more. Lips still attached to John’s he pulled out a fraction and slowly pushed back in. John tore his mouth away and threw his head back against the bed biting his lip. “Did I hurt you?” Rodney asked fear flooding him.

“God no!” John gasped. “More, you can move more.” He panted and so Rodney did. Short half thrusts that were slow and deliberate. John was still gripping Rodney’s arms and his hands flexed into the muscle there with every thrust. He never looked away from Rodney’s face, loving the pay of pleasure over it. The deep flush high on his cheeks, the way he licked his lips and grunted softly with his movements. John gasped the other man’s name softly and it became his mantra mixed in with sighs and groans of his own.

Rodney watched John’s face as well taken in by the openness of emotion and pleasure, but his attention was divided. He couldn’t help but look down and watch were they were connected. The sight of his cock disappearing into the other man sent shivers up his spine. He leaned down and kissed John again because if he kept watching he would cum too soon. The kiss was sloppy and too wet but he didn’t mind and John didn’t seem to either. John’s arms slide around his shoulders holding him in and breaking the kiss. Instead he just panted hotly against Rodney’s neck making the other man groan at the moist heat. “Can I, harder?” Rodney asked articulately.

“Yes,” John gasped and the response was immediate. Rodney’s movements got longer, deeper, harder. John clutched the other man tighter buried his face against his neck. It was all so good, there was no way he could go without this after knowing what it was like. The stretch of Rodney inside him. The drag of his cock over his prostate. His own cock trapped between them smearing wetly against Rodney’s stomach. His orgasm was intense and took him by surprise. He groaned into Rodney’s neck as it surged through, lights dancing behind his eyes as he panted open mouthed and desperate.

“John,” Rodney bit out his name in a grunt and came. He wanted to hold out but the vice tight heat of his lover’s orgasm was too much. He pulsed inside him breathless and silent as it quacked through him. As it passed he moved softly with gentle thrusts because he didn’t want it to be over. Didn’t want to leave John’s body. He moved softly until he was too soft and slipped out. Rodney stayed where he was trapped by John’s arms and thighs but he didn’t really mind. He sank down on top of the other man and they stayed that way for a while. 

“Heavy,” John finally said tapping his shoulder. 

“Sorry,” Rodney replied and moved off him to the side. The bed was narrow and the movement almost caused John to fall over the edge. He corrected quickly moving so he was halfway on top of Rodney, head resting on his warm wide chest. They didn’t really speak. There wasn’t anything to say. Rodney wrapped his arms loosely around the other man and they stayed like that. The rain and wind howling outside but together they were warm and at peace. “You can’t sleep here.” Rodney finally muttered softly.

“Yeah I know…” John replied just as soft, but he made no attempt to move and Rodney didn’t make him. Sleep found them quickly and easily. It was the best John had slept in a very long time.

\----------

John woke pleasantly and slowly hours later. Rodney was snoring softly next to him and he smiled at this. John stood and stretched flushing at the ache lingering in his rear. He cracked the door to Rodney’s room and saw that the rain had stopped but the sky was still thick with clouds. From what he could see of the sun’s position it was late afternoon. Returning to the bed he sat on the edge of it looking down at his lover. He knew he should be leaving, knew he should be concerned about staying so long. But couldn’t bring himself to care.

Rodney’s face was lax with sleep, his jaw dark with the shadow of stubble. John let his eyes trial down his lover’s body enjoying the fitness of his torso, the strength of his thighs. Rodney was a strong man, a hard working man. A _man_ , and John loved everything about him. He loved him. Period. John sighed and let his eyes travel back up to Rodney’s face. Rodney’s eyes were now open watching him softly. “Hey.” John said grinning. “So um..” John didn’t know what to say. He was so bad at emotions.

Rodney sat up looking at him with an intensity John didn’t recognize. “I love you,” he said and pulled John into a kiss. It was long and lingering, mainly because Rodney was scared of what John would say when it ended. He hadn’t meant to say that. He had been thinking it and it had just slipped out without his control. He felt like a fool. Men didn’t say things like that to each other. Did they?

Apparently they did because when they finally parted John smiled against his mouth. “I was just thinking that,” he said and kissed Rodney again. “Love you,” he whispered when they parted. They sat there, foreheads pressed together grinning like idiots. John was dipping in for another kiss when a hard knock sounded at Rodney’s door. John’s heart thundered but Rodney soothed him with a hand on his shoulder.

“What!” He shouted standing and pulling on his trousers. 

“Sir it’s the fencing on the west pasture!” A shout came back through the door. Rodney recognized the voice it was the young stable hand from before. 

Rodney shooed John to the far side of the room and opened his door just enough to see and speak to the child. “What about the fence in the west pasture?” He asked in an annoyed tone.

“We were walking the fence lines. Like you told us to after heavy storms. And the fence in the west pasture, you know the part with the big hill that comes down like this,” he made a large sweeping motion with his hand. “Well sir, its near washed out. Parts falling over already.”

“What!” Rodney exclaimed stepping forward and bumping the door open wider in the process. It opened it enough that John was now visible through it. Luckily he had tugged on his pants and was pulling his shirt over his head as well.

“Mr. Sheppard!” He boy said and fell into a deep bow. “Good day to you sir!”

John’s heart jumped to his throat and he looked at Rodney with panicked eyes. “Boy—” Rodney growled but the child cut him off.

“He was never here sir,” he said looking Rodney in the eye then turned the eye contact to John. “I never saw him here.” He shook his head for emphasis and bowed again. 

“Damn right you didn’t,” Rodney said firmly. He turned and grabbed his shirt from the floor. “I have to go deal with this. You should go as well.” He said to John and the other man nodded mutely at him. “Don’t worry about the child.” He said quietly. John met his eyes and Rodney saw the doubt there. “Trust me?” He asked and John nodded with out hesitation. Smiling Rodney turned to leave with the child.

“What’s your name anyway boy?” He asked as they headed toward the supply barn down the hill from the stables.

“Dalton sir,” he said looking up and smiling his toothy grin.

“Have you seen Mr. Sheppard today?” He asked.

“No, sir haven’t seen him. Probably kept in by the weather.” Dalton said straight faced as a saint.

“You’re a very smart lad Dalton.” Rodney said with a little smile.

\----------

John entered the house through the side door that led to the kitchens. It was empty and quiet and he sighed in relief. He made his way through the kitchen and his stomach grumbled loudly. Stopping at the pantry he pulled out a jar of canned peaches and popped it open. Not bothering with utensils he dipped into it with his fingers pulling out a large slice. He groaned at the sweet taste and left the kitchen for his rooms taking the jar with him. 

“Johnathan!” His mother’s accusing call startled him and he turned to find her standing behind him. “Where—” _have you been_ his paranoid mind filled in. “Are your manners!” She scolded snatching the jar from his hands. “Straight out of the jar, not even using a fork, and dripping all over my floors.” She scolded and John was so relieved he found the child like scolding pleasant. His mother handed the jar to Teyla who was standing next to her. “Such a slob…I would love to know where you got that from. It certainly wasn't your faather or I.” She shook her head a sighed. “Go get changed, dress in something nice.” She said waving at John’s clothes which were wrinkled from where they had dried hanging next to McKay’s fire. 

“Why?” He asked wiping at his mouth.

“You really have been working up in your rooms all afternoon haven’t you,” she said with a pleased smile. “Your father sent ahead a fast rider. They will be home before sun set. I want you dressed nice and the house looking nice.” She said this with a glare at the mess he had made on the floor.

“I’ll clean it mother,” he said heart feeling heavy.

“Don’t bother we have slaves for that.” She said waving his comment off and John flinched at the word. “Go get dressed and check in with Mr. McKay to let him know of their impending arrival. The horses will be wary from such a trip and will need his attention.” 

John nodded feeling only a little numb. “Yes mother I’ll do that.” She smiled and patted his arm as she walked past him. There was a bounce in her step that told of how happy she was for his father’s impending return. John wished he could share her enthusiasm.

He went to his room first and changed into some of his finer clothes. He took his time not in any rush, as if he thought the slower he went the slower it would make his father’s return. Then he ventured to the study and squared away some reports that needed finishing before his father arrived. Then he just stood on the study balcony watching for Rodney. He knew the man had gone out to do work and would be away for a bit but the standing and waiting gave him time to relax a little and think. 

Mainly he thought about what now? If there had ever been any question about whether or not he could cut off this thing with Rodney they were gone now. He couldn’t, wouldn’t. They would some how make it work. He would find time to be with him, find some way to ride alone with him in the woods like they had been. There had to be a way. John sighed it wouldn’t be easy, but it would be worth it. 

He wondered back into the study and looked over his crop logs briefly to make sure he had down all the information his father would want. Then he returned to the balcony. He stood there watching the clouds roll until he saw Rodney come back. He had several hands with him, including the one who had caught them. John grit his teeth at the sight of the boy. He didn’t trust him, but he trusted Rodney so he had to trust the boy anyway. The hands scattered after a short time and John watched as Rodney retreated to the stables.

John made his way down to the stables quickly and found Rodney washing mud from his arms in a bucket hanging from one of the stalls. “Mr. McKay,” he called as he approached. Rodney looked over at him a seriousness in his eyes that said he understood the professionalism of the situation. “Master Sheppard and my brother will be returning before the days end. Have stalls ready for all their horses, they will need attention.”

“Yes sir,” McKay said with a curt nod but his eyes softened a little as he grasped the full weight of the news. “Sir?” He said gently and John just smiled reaching out to touch his arm briefly. Rodney nodded and then left to prepare for the arrival.

\----------

It was well into dusk when Patrick Sheppard and his travel caravan returned. John joined his mother in front of the estate to greet them. They all looked tired and travel weary. The horses and carriages were spattered with mud from the journey. They handed the horses off to Rodney and his hands for care and servants unloaded the carriages with quick efficiency. 

“My love,” Patrick said with a wide but tired smile when he saw his wife. He pulled her into a tight hug and she melted into him. 

“Oh I have missed you,” She said pulling back and pressing a quick kiss to his mouth. “How did the roads treat you? My dear you look so tired.”

“Travel weather was perfectly fine until that damn storm rolled through. We would have been here sooner but we were stuck behind it and the roads,” he gestured to the mud caked carriages. “Horribly slow going.”

John smiled as he watched them together and then grinned as his brother approached him. “Dave!” He said warmly hugging him tightly. “Didn’t get into too much trouble I hope.”

“Same to you brother,” He said with a laugh patting his back firmly. “I see the estate still stands. I take it you have been on your best behavior for mother.”

John smirked mischievously. “As much as you would expect.” He replied and Dave laughed. Then his father was approaching them.

“John,” He said with a smile and pulled him in for a quick hug. “You look good. I trust things have gone well for you.”

“Yes, and the same to you.” John said clasping his father’s shoulder tightly. 

Patrick hummed happily then sighed. “As pleasant as this reunion is, rest sounds even more pleasant.” He said and Mrs. Sheppard nodded. 

“You must be tired as the dead dear. I have the best sheets on the bed for you, and you as well Dave. Go bathe and rest. You deserve it after such a journey.” Both Patrick and Dave nodded.

“Thank you my love.” Patrick said and smiled sweetly at her before heading inside. Dave followed and John just watched them go. 

“So wonderful having them home safe isn’t it?” Mrs. Sheppard said turning to John and taking his arm. 

“Yes mother. It’s wonderful.” John said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

\----------

The next morning Patrick and Dave recounted their time at the O’Neal estate. It was a huge piece of land larger than theirs with nearly twice as many horses. “But not the quality,” Patrick insisted. “Jack O’Neal was eager to make arrangements with us.” He recounted how they had spent days tracing through the lineage books of the horses, and evaluated breeding stock. Set out some ground rules for trade and brokered some initial bargains. 

“This is going to be big for us,” Dave said to John with a wide smile.

John nodded. “I can tell. I’m glad all went well.” He said even thought he didn’t really care that much. “The crops are going well.” John said changing the topic. “Actually they are doing great. It’s a good thing we started them early. If we hadn’t they would have been small enough for yesterdays storm to wash them out.” 

“No,” Patrick said gesturing to John with his fork and a smile. “If _you_ hadn’t started them early. You have the intuition for this son. Its good work.” John smiled down at his food. He was glad to have his father’s approval even if he couldn’t look at the man and not be afraid a little. John was terrified that he would some who know about him and Rodney. Like there was some kind of sign. 

“Well,” Mrs. Sheppard said folding her napkin neatly on her plate. “I have good news as well.” She smiled brightly at Patrick—who raised a confused eyebrow—and then turned her bright smile on John. He mirrored his father’s confusion. “I have been speaking with the Smith family. Their oldest daughter Nancy is available for courting.” She smirked at John and his gut twisted.

“I thought she was to be married?” Patrick questioned.

“She was. Poor fellow fell ill and passed several months ago. It was quite serious between him and Nancy, but she has finished grieving and is open to courting again. I have taken the liberty of arranging a luncheon for you and her John.” Mrs. Sheppard said joyfully. 

John remembered Nancy from past social events. She was smart as a whip, and very pretty. A good match for him…if she hadn’t been a she. “That’s…great.” John said with a tight smile. 

“Oh don’t look so nervous! She will love you. It is far past time for you to be married.” His mother scolded light heartedly.

“You’re mother is right John. She and I were married for years by the time we were your age.” Patrick said. “This will be good for you and good for the family.” He smiled widely and toasted his glass toward his oldest son. “Things are looking up for the Sheppard family!” Dave joined whole heartedly in the toast and John mirrored them even though his heart wasn’t in it. This was the last thing he needed. 

After breakfast John dressed for riding and headed to the stables. He needed to inspect the crops and see how they were fairing after the storm. He entered the stables to find Rodney tending the horses from the trip. He was inspecting the hooves of one of them and John leaned on the stall door to watch. His eyes drifted to Rodney’s well shaped ass and it reminded John of that first meeting when he had seen the other man in a similar position. 

He waited for him to finish and then spoke. “Morning Mr. McKay.” He said a smile in his voice. Rodney turned to him with a smile and a nod. “Is PJ ready for riding?”

“Actually I haven’t the time to saddle him,” McKay said as he left the stall cleaning his hand on the rag tucked into the hip of his trousers. “Been very busy with the caravan horses I’m afraid. Sorry sir.” 

John nodded and headed to the tack room for his saddle. He didn’t mind readying his own horse but it was weird hearing Rodney call him ‘Mr. Sheppard’ again. He readied PJ and could feel Rodney’s eyes on him the whole time. He thought about telling him about the courtship he was to start but didn’t know how, didn’t want to. He hauled himself up onto PJ’s back and gave Rodney a smile as he left the stables. He wanted to kiss him good bye but knew it was too risky. Along with his father a number of servants had returned as well. The estate was busier than it had been in weeks.

\----------

Rodney was incredibly busy himself. The horses from the trip had been filthy when they arrived. Many of them needed their shoes removed and a full clean and trim for their hooves. He looked out in the direction John had ridden off and sighed. It felt different now somehow. Felt all the more taboo now that John’s father was back. It made his gut twist with nerves. If they got caught he would be fired and black listed, beaten most likely as well. Not a good fate, but John. Well John could loose everything. The estate, his inheritance, his social status. 

A knot of guilt settled in his stomach. Was it really fair to ask the other man to risk so much? John had said he was sure about it, about them but still it made Rodney nervous. He tried to shake off the feeling and turned his attention to another horse that needed its hooves cleaned. The work was simple and monotonous and let him fall into thought. He thought of his old life, everything he had lost when he was outed. He knew what exile felt like. He thought of all the terrible ways this could end for them, it could be quiet and hushed to prevent scandal. Or it could be violent and dangerous. Mostly Rodney thought about John and how he couldn’t stand to think of ending things despite the risk. 

“Mr. McKay,” the call of his name startled Rodney. He nipped the hoof he was working on harshly pulling off a large chunk what made the shape ugly and would require a good amount of filing to fix. An explosive comment about not sneaking up on people while they were working was on the tip of his tongue, but he recognized the voice of his caller and just barley held the remark in.

“Master Sheppard,” he said turning to meet him with a tight jaw and forced smile. “What can I do for you sir?” He exited the stall setting down his tools as he did. 

“Several things actually. We are going to be writing up some drafts for the trades we are making. I want you to look over them, make sure the lineage is charted out right. I would also like your input on the horses we trade. You have done good work with them. I think you might know them better than me at this point.”

Rodney smiled at the compliment, Patrick didn’t hand them out to the staff often. “Thank you sir I would be more that happy to.”

“And my wife mentioned that you have been making some maps of our land? I would like to see them,” He said and stepped to the side looking at Rodney expectantly.

 _Yes sir let me just drop everything I’m doing right this second for you. Entitled ass._ He thought but only said, “Yes sir.” He headed to his room and saw Patrick following him from the corned of his eye. When he reached his room he opened his door wide offering the other man entrance if he wanted it. Of course he didn’t come in. It would be ghastly for an estate owner to set foot in a servant’s quarters. Rodney grinned as he pulled the maps down from his bookcase. If only Patrick knew what he had done to his son in this room. 

“Here you are sir,” he said handing over the papers. Patrick unrolled them and his eyes got a little wide. 

“ _You_ did these? _Really_ ,” he questioned looking at Rodney skeptically.

McKay’s blood boiled a little at the other man’s doubt. “Yes sir I did,” He said shortly trying very hard not to sound as offended and angered as he was. 

“I am genuinely impressed. Never would have thought an uneducated farm hand would have the skill set for something like this.” The backhanded compliment was like a physical blow.

Rodney’s fists clenched at his sides and he mentally counted off all the prime numbers he could think of in an attempt to calm himself. “Perhaps,” He started and moved past his employer to return to the stables for work. “An _un_ educated person couldn’t. However as shocking as it may be to you I am _not_ uneducated. Despite my lot in life here I have had a good deal of schooling.”

“Aren’t we cocky and full of ourselves,” Patrick said with a huff. “Best watch that attitude boy.” Sheppard scolded as he walked away.

Rodney beelined for his forge off the back of the stables. He needed to hit something. Hard. While pounding the metal wasn’t nearly as good as yelling at Patrick Sheppard would have been smithing wouldn’t get him fired. 

\----------

John returned to the stables early that afternoon. He put PJ in his stall and looked around for Rodney. He didn’t see him but then he heard it, the clang of metal. Moving to the back on the stable he found McKay outside at the forge. There was a bucket of rough forged horse shoes next to his anvil and John chuckled. “Going to re-shoe every horse we have?” He asked jokingly.

“More like taking out some frustration,” Rodney huffed dumping the shoe he was working on in his water bucket. “Your damn father.” He said shaking his head.

“Oh?” John said with a raised eyebrow. “What did he do?”

“He had the nerve to call me uneducated. _Me!_ ” Rodney shook his head. “The man practically called me slow John! I’d wager I’m twice as smart as that ass is.” 

John laughed lightly at the other man’s anger. “You’re right, but I do hope you didn’t say that to him.”

“Would I still be here if I had?” Rodney asked then sighed pinching at the bridge of his nose.

John just looked at him with a smile that was a touch sad. He had planed on telling Rodney about his date tomorrow but given his mood John didn’t think this was the best time. Not that there would be a good time for it. He glanced around them. The forge was relatively secluded, not readily visible unless you were coming from in the stables. He stepped up to the other man and Rodney looked at him with surprise. “John…” He sad softly but then John was kissing him. 

It was simple and quick and John really wished it could lead more. He pulled back running his hands up and down Rodney’s arms. “That was risky,” Rodney said simply.

“Everything we do now will be risky. It always was,” John said with a sad smile. McKay nodded. “I have to go in, father wants me there when they draw up the trade papers.” Despite his words John lingered and it made the other man smile. 

“Have you ever smithed before?” Rodney asked picking up his tongs and plucking the shoe from the water bucket. It hissed as he set it back into the coals and John shook his head ‘no’ but stepped closer to the forge to watch. “I could teach you.” 

“I’d rather just watch,” John said eyes glued to Rodney’s arms as he worked the bellows. The other man huffed clearly aware of John’s gaze. He pulled the shoe from the fire and beat it into a proper shape with quick efficient taps. “You make it look very easy.” John said as the shoe took shape. McKay shrugged.

“Like I’ve said if I’m going to do something I want to be good at it.” John smirked at that and opened his mouth to make a lewd comment. “Don’t even John,” he said with a chuckle and dumped the shoe into the water bucket again. 

John laughed with him and then stepped closer to the forge. “I suppose I could try and learn,” he said and Rodney smiled at him. 

\----------

It was past dusk when John finally made his way back to the main house. He found his father and brother in the library, parchments laid out for drawing up documents. Patrick scowled at him as he entered. “I told you I wanted you back early so you could be part of this. The draft of our agreement is nearly finished. You’re filthy what in Gods name have you been doing?”

Dave also gave John an appraising look no doubt disapproving of the dirt and soot streaking his clothes and skin. “I was at the stables speaking with Ro—Mr. McKay.” He corrected quickly and pulled a set of papers from his breast pocket. Rodney had shoved them into his hand with a kiss just before he had left. “They are his recommendations on the horses. He said you asked him to look into it. He charted out the lineage long with them.”

Master Sheppard took the papers giving them a quick once over before handing them off to Dave. “At least the man gets the job done,” he said with an air of annoyance. “Careful round him John. Man is far too arrogant for his own good. Had half the mind to put him in line this afternoon.” 

The corner of John’s mouth twitched at the comment. ‘Put in line’ was his fathers way of saying someone deserved a beating. “I’ll keep that in mind,” John grit out trying very hard to keep anger from his tone. He was saved from the tension of the room by his mother bustling in.

“John you’re filthy!” She gasped walking up and picking at his clothes. “I want you washed and in bed, now.” She grabbed him by the elbow and steered him from the room like a misbehaving child. 

“We need him for this,” Patrick protested.

“You and Dave can handle that, John has more important things right now. I want you bright eyed and bushy tailed for your date with Nancy tomorrow.” She said smiling brightly at him and it made his stomach sink to his feet. “You too Patrick. We need to make a good impression with the Smith’s.”

As they left John heard the muttered ‘yes dear’ from his father. It gave him some pleasure that his father seemed as unenthused as he was. His mother chatted happily at him as she took him back to his quarters. John tuned it out. He hadn’t gotten around to mentioning his date to Rodney. Now he wouldn’t have the chance to. He could just picture the hurt on Rodney’s face when he heard about it through the grape vine instead. 

His mother left him at his rooms and John bathed with melancholy slowness. The warmth of the water doing nothing to ease the ache in his chest. Why couldn’t he just be with Rodney? Why did it have to matter? Why did other people have to care! He flopped on to his bed in the buff not having the energy to dress. His father had only been home a day and already it was growing exhausting to pretend to be who he wasn’t. 

Sleep did not find him easily that night. He had the feeling as long as he was living this lie it wouldn’t. Then he thought of Rodney, sleeping on his chest and laying in his arms. Only then did sleep finally take him away, but it was restless and filled with nightmares of the ‘what ifs’ of being found out. 

\----------

John was rudely awakened by a knocking at his door. “Mr. Sheppard, the Misses requested I wake you. Says you are off to an early start this morning. Mr. Sheppard?” It was Ford and Christ John wanted to strangle the man. He was just doing his job, but still John was in no mood for hospitality. 

“I’m awake,” he hollered sitting up and looking to his window. Light was barely creeping over the horizon. He flopped back down with an exhausted sigh. He had gotten next to no sleep. “Tell mother I will be down shortly.” Begrudgingly he got up and readied himself. Combed his hair as neatly as he could, though it was still a mess. He dressed in his fancy ridding pants, a darkly dyed rich black leather. His nicest waistcoat and jacket, both in sharp shades of blue-gray. His crisp white shirt showing at his collar tying the clothing together. He felt like a fraud. 

John made his way to breakfast where both his parents were already eating. No pleasantries of waiting on him this morning. “Oh you look so handsome,” his mother chirped coming up and straitening the buttons down his front. He muttered thanks and sat to eat. “Do be quick, I want us on the road as soon as possible.” John did as he was told but didn’t really taste his food that much.

His father left along with his mother speaking of readying horses and the carriage. John sighed and dropped his fork. Rodney had to know by now. “Sir are you not well?” The question startled him and he looked up to see Teyla standing at his shoulder.

“Just tired,” he replied and started picking at his food again.

“Not looking forward to meeting with Miss. Smith?” She asked and took a seat next to him.

“Does everyone know?” He asked quietly glancing over at her. Teyla had made it very clear she had picked up on his affair with Rodney. Whether others knew he was uncertain of. 

“I don’t think so no. Myself and Mr. Ford are aware, and some of the stable hands perhaps. But they fear Mr. McKay more than Master Sheppard. I doubt they would say anything,” she placed a reassuring hand over his but her face was sad. “I am sorry you have to hide it. I’m sure it’s not easy.” 

“I’ll make do somehow. I always have,” He paused and looked up at her seeing the affection in her eyes made him trust her. “Its just harder, now that I have someone I…” He drifted off not able to say it.

“Someone you love,” she finished kindly and John nodded. “You’ll find a way. Loves is funny like that.” She patted his hand and stood taking up his picked over plate as she did. 

John left then making his way out to the front of the house where he knew his parent’s carriage and his horse were already waiting. He saw Rodney immediately. Standing with his horse waiting for him to saddle up. He looked stiff and cold. His eye not meeting John’s. “Where’s PJ?” He asked as he approached the huge black stallion Rodney was holding. The question was directed at his lover but his father answered instead.

“Surge is one of our most impressive stallions. He will make a better impression than PJ. Quickly now let’s be going.” Patrick helped his wife into the carriage and then entered himself.

John just stood there looking at Rodney trying to will him to meet his eyes. When it didn’t work he reached out and took the reins from him, his hand closing over Rodney’s. Finally the other man looked up at him. Hurt was evident in his dull eyes and tightly set mouth. “I’m sorry,” John whispered as he pulled the reins from and Rodney’s hand and mounted up on Surge. As they started off John couldn’t help but look back over his shoulder for Rodney but the other man was already gone form sight. 

\----------

The trip to the Smith property wasn’t horribly long, but the sun was well on its way up the sky when they arrived. It was smaller than the Sheppard estate, but most properties in the area were. The main house was beautifully maintained, vibrant flowers framing it. Wide fields full of green grass shoots destined to be wheat flanked out around it. They were met at the wide sweeping front poach by Mr. and Mrs. Smith. 

“Patrick good to see you again!” Mr. Smith said with a wide smile as they shook hands firmly and almost immediately delved into business talk. 

“James don’t be rude,” Mrs. Smith hissed but was ignored as the two men wandered down the porch deep in conversation. “I do apologies for him.”

“It’s fine, men and there business what can be done,” Mrs. Sheppard said smiling softly and hugging the other woman. “John, don’t be shy now. Come,” His mother chided waving him over. 

Taking a deep breath he plastered on the mask he had spent his whole life wearing. A charming relaxed smile that spoke of whimsy and happiness. “A pleasure Mrs. Smith.” He said taking her hand and kissing the back softly. She smiled at him and touched his cheek lightly.

“So handsome,” she crooned and then turned to the front doors. “Apologies for Nancy’s tardiness. No doubt still going on about her hair.” Mrs. Smith invited them inside and they retired to the tea room to wait. John sipped his tea perfectly happy to stay here instead of being forced to socialize with Nancy. Unfortunately she appeared in short order, looking every bit the beautiful woman John remembered her being.

She wore a pale purple gown that was synched in so tightly at the waist John was amazed she could breath at all. Her chestnut hair pulled back and up in an intricate array of curls. His feet felt like stone but still John stood to meet her. “Miss. Smith,” he said politely with a small bow. 

“Please, just Nancy.” She said offering her hand. John took it and brushed his lips to its back, gut churning with the action. “A pleasure to see you again John.” As she spoke her eyes moved over his form, and John didn’t miss it. He straightened his shoulders his body feeling tight and uncomfortable. 

“Same, you have grown into a beautiful lady. We were just teens the last time I saw you, if I recall correctly.” She smiled clearly pleased with the complement.

“Indeed, not so much any more,” her eyes once again traveled the length of his body. “May I show you the gardens?” 

“That sounds lovely,” he lied and offered her his arm. As they left he could hear their mothers chittering happily and tried very hard to keep his face from turning sour. “The gardens are very impressive. I noticed the flowers when we came in.” He said politely as they began to wander the intricate and colorful grounds of them.

“Thank you, I actually do most of the work with them,” she started and went off into a talk about cross-pollinating and grafting. Apparently the science of plant breeding was a hobby of hers.

John found himself struggling to listen. Unlike when Rodney rambled on about his interests John was completely detached from hers. Rodney spoke with passion and inflection, wandering off topic with stories and theories that made him smile. Nancy drowned on with singled minded facts. 

“These here are some of my favorites,” she said as they came to a seating area in the garden. She was cradling a peach colored rose with little white streaks on the pedals in her hands. “Aren’t they lovely?”

“Yes beautiful,” he said smiling with what he hoped was charm. It must have worked because she flushed and smiled back running her hand along his arm. The muscles under her hand twitched with the need to pull away, but she must have interpreted it as excitement for she squeezed his arm and smiled wider. 

“After you,” John said stepping away and pulling out a chair for her at the table in the seating area. It had clearly been their destination as it was laid out with an array of foods and tea. She thanked him and took her seat.

“You aren’t much for talking I take it.” She prodded as she stirred sugar into her tea cup.

“Apologies Nancy, I did not get much rest yesterday.” 

“I’ve heard about the deal your family is forging with the O’Neils,” she said clearly impressed. “It must be hard work.” She reached out and placed a hand over his kindly.

“Yes, it has been taking up a lot of time,” he lied and sipped his tea.

“I’m sure it will be a good investment. If the rest of your stock in anything like that beast you rode here,” Nancy said raising a dainty eyebrow at him. 

“Ah saw him did you. Yes, Surge is one of our best stallions,” from there he delved into talking about their horses. Smiling as he spoke because he only knew so much thanks to Rodney. From there he ventured into talking bout his love for riding.

“A little childish isn’t it?” She questioned with a little laugh. “We are adults after all, surly there and more interesting hobbies to have.” Her hand touched his again, soft fingers tracing along his wrist. 

John did not miss the innuendo behind the words and gave the expected smirk to match it. “Yes I suppose so,” he said turning his hand to clasp her smaller on in his. Small, and soft, and dainty with slender fingers and perfect skin. Nothing about holding her hand was appealing, everything about it felt foreign. 

Nancy gave a soft laugh and leaned in. John saw her intentions clearly and headed her off. He turned and pressed his lips to her cheek, instead of giving her a real kiss. When he moved back she was blushing darkly. “I’m sorry that must have come across so brash.” She said clearly embarrassed by her actions.

“You’re fine,” John said stroking his thumb over her hand and then stood offering her his arm. “Your mother is probably expecting us. I would hate for her to think I were a deviant.”

“Yes, of course.” Nancy agreed and took his arm as they walked back. The venture through the garden, and talks, and tea had led them into early afternoon and John was hopeful he could leave soon. 

When they returned their parents were all on the back porch talking. Mr. Smith pointing out over the land as he spoke to Patrick. The Misses were both watching their husbands and talking with small laughs behind their back. “I trust you had a lovely morning,” Mrs. Smith greeted when their approach was noticed. 

“Most pleasant, Nancy showed me her gardens. She has cultivated flowers that rival her own beauty. Not an easy task,” the words were fake and tasted bitted but it made both their mothers smile so he smiled along as well.

“Well I’m afraid we must be going," Patrick interjected. “We do have much on the agenda for today, as I’m sure you all do as well.”

They said their farewells with all the pleasantries required. “I do look forward to seeing you again John,” Nancy said as she held his hand and said good bye. 

“As do I,” he lied and ducked to brush a gentle kiss to her cheek. Then he was up on his horse and following his parent's carriage from the property. 

He rode along beside them lost in a spiral of depressing thoughts until they came to a fork in the road. The carriage stopped and his father pulled back the curtain that covered the window. “Your mother insists we meet with some of our other friends while we are near town,” he said not sounding overly excited about it. John smiled as he could hear his mother chastising him from the carriage. “We will see you back at the estate. I’m very pleased with how things went today.”

“Thank you father. Enjoy your visits,” John couldn’t stifle a small laugh as his father rolled his eyes and drew the curtain closed.

They went their separate ways at the fork and John rode along at a faster pace. Surge was a smooth ride with a long powerful gait. “Want to run?” He said patting the stallions neck. Tightening the reins in his hands he gave a firm kick and the response was instant. Surge galloped forward at break neck pace, whipping the wind around John’s face sending his coat tails fluttering around him. 

John smiled widely and steered the horse off the main road onto a side trail. Surge was far faster than PJ and it was an amazing feeling to run free like this. He watched the woods rush by and took in deep lung fulls of air forcing out the depression brought on by his time with Nancy. He thought of Rodney, of riding like this with him. Just the two of them galloping up the mountain. Relaxing at their spring. Reveling in each others bodies and minds. 

He thought of the hurt in Rodney’s eyes that morning. The tension and betrayal seeping off the other man. He would see Rodney first thing when he got back. He had to explain and make things right. The thought of Rodney actually thinking that he wanted to court Nancy Smith was like a thorn in his side. It was a lie, that life was a lie. Rodney was his truth.

\----------

When John arrived back at the stables Rodney wasn’t outside to take his horse. He instead handed Surge off to one of the older stable boys who took him off to a pasture. John thanked the young man and then entered into the stables in search of his lover. He found Rodney dishing out grain to the stalled horses, the large burlap bag cradled against his hip as he scoped the food out into their buckets.

“Rodney,” John said walking quickly up to him.

“Mr. Sheppard,” the other man replied not stalling in his work and ignoring the use for his name. “Have a nice morning? Did you enjoy your date with _Nacy_? That’s a smart match sir.” He said tone bitter.

“You know I didn’t,” John huffed. Rodney continued to ignore him so John reached out and grabbing the grain bag form him. He tossed it to the floor receiving a glare as it spilled. “You know I didn’t want to go this morning.” He pleaded.

“Well you could have warned me!” Rodney huffed at him. “How do you think I felt finding out this morning from your father? Having to listen to him go on and on about how perfect a match the two of you are?” 

“I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how. There wasn’t a good time.” John brought his hands up and ran them over Rodney’s tense arms. Form shoulders down to grasp his hands. “I don’t want that.” He said trying to catch his lover’s eye, but Rodney seemed determine not to look at him. “You know that don’t you?” He asked and grabbed Rodney’s chin forcing his to meet his eyes. “ _Don’t you?_ ”

“You have to get married John. That’s just the way things are,” Rodney said his voice quiet and defeated. 

John couldn’t bear the sadness showing in the other man’s eyes. Gripping his hand firmly he pulled Rodney to the feed room closing the door and pushing him up against it. “I don’t want Nancy Smith. I want _you_.” He said firmly and kissed him. 

Rodney kissed him back immediately hot and wet and desperate. His hands gliding over John’s body down to grip his ass. John broke the kiss and ducked his head to pant and lick at Rodney’s neck. “I want you, just you.” He said over and over and sank down in front of the other man. 

“John,” Rodney gasped and watched with wide bewildered eyes as his lover opened his trousers and drew his cock out. He gasped as John took him into his mouth, head thunking back against the door as pleasure blossomed from the contact. They had done this several times to each other but the wonder of it never ceased to amaze Rodney. With great effort he opened his eyes and looked down to watch. 

John hummed happily as Rodney looked down at him, sucking his lover in deep and firm. He flattened his tongue along the shaft one hand gripping he base firmly as he bobbed his head. The look Rodney was giving him made his heart swell. It was like the other man couldn’t believe this was real, John almost couldn’t either. Breathing in through his nose he ducked in deeper until he had to remove his hand from the base, and his nose was buried in the nest of soft curls there. 

Rodney groaned and moved his hands to John’s head. Petting over his hair, and moving one hand to the side of his face. “John,” he gasped as he thumbed said man’s cheek feeling his own shaft on the other side of it. “Christ John.” He panted as his lover pulled back off and sank down again. Rodney’s breath was coming in harsh pants as he watched. Each swipe of John’s tongue, each caress of his lips pulling him closer and closer to release.

John moved one hand to his own crotch fumbling to undo his trousers. The buttons popped free and his erection sprang out. He took himself in hand and stroked in time to his movements over Rodney’s shaft. He loved this. Loved this man. His sent, his taste, his sounds, his everything. John would be damned if he was going to lose him because of some duty he supposedly owed his family. 

He swiped his thumb over the head of his cock and moaned around Rodney’s shaft. “Are you?” Came a panted question from above him and John sifted so Rodney could clearly see that yes, he was touching himself. “God John. I—” Rodney didn’t manage to finish the warning and pulsed into John’s mouth. Orgasm stealing his breath and forcing it out and a ragged huff. John sucked eagerly laving his tongue over the head determined to take everything his lover had to offer.

When the trembles in Rodney’s thighs finally stopped John sat back and focused on himself. Swiping his fist over his shaft quickly as he chased his own release. “So beautiful,” the whispered compliment made John shudder and he looked up to see Rodney watching him in wonder. That was all he needed. His orgasm crashed over him pulling thick spurts from his cock that painted the ground between them. He let go of himself and just knelt there taking in the bliss that was being with Rodney.

“Here, come here.” Rodney said and pawed at his shoulders pulling John up and into his chest. 

John wet willingly humming against Rodney’s temple and placing a kiss to it. “We will make this work. Somehow, someway. I am not losing you.”

Their peace was interrupted by a soft knock at the feed room door. “Mr. McKay.” Rodney growled at the sound of Dalton’s voice, anger heating his blood. Every time, every freaking time.

“Ignore him,” John whispered. “Whatever it is can wait.” Rodney sighed in annoyance and nodded.

“Mr. McKay.” The call and knock came again them even more quietly, “Mr. Sheppard.” At that the two men parted. They quickly fixed their pants and John moved to the back of the room and Rodney cracked the door.

“Dalton!” He hissed glaring at the child. “What do you want? Mr. Sheppard isn’t here.”

“Right of course he’s not,” he child agreed. “Just though you might want to know the other Mr. Sheppard is looking for him.”

“What?” John questioned coming up next to Rodney and opening the door wider.

“Saw you come back. He’s headed over here now.” 

John’s face went pale and panicked but Rodney Just took his shoulders and pushed him from the room. “The tack room. It has an extra door that leads out behind the stables.” Dalton grabbed John’s wrists and tugged him over to it, shoving him inside. 

“Wha—“ John protested looking down at the child in shock.

“You were never here,” Dalton said and closed the door on him.

None to soon as moments later Dave came strolling into the stables. Rodney went over to the spilled bag of grain busying himself with cleaning it up. “Mr. McKay have you seen my brother?”

“No sir afraid I haven’t.” He lied and glanced over at Dalton.

“I saw one of the older boys putting his horse back in the pasture,” he said looking up at Dave as if this information helped.

“Yes child I know he is back. I just don’t know where he _is_ ” Dave snapped and looked back to McKay expectantly.

“If I see him I’ll tell him to come find you, but as I said he isn’t here. Haven’t seen him since this morning.” Dave huffed in annoyance and turned to leave.

“Probably off doing something irresponsible. No sense of duty in my brother.” He grumbled as he left the stables.

Rodney couldn’t keep the smirk from his face at that. If he only knew. With Dave gone Rodney went back to actually cleaning up the mess of grain spilled over the floor and Dalton stuck by to help him. Rodney watched the child work and couldn’t help but think. “Boy why are you looking out for us?” 

Dolton looked up at him, his face a bit sad. “This isn’t the first place I’ve worked. Last masters I had weren’t near as kind as the Sheppard’s.” He said running his hand over a faded scare on his arm. It made Rodney’s heart clench with pain and anger, but the child forged on. “One of the older boys there Aaron, he was like a brother to me. Helped keep me safe. One of the master’s daughters took a fancy to him. He liked her too. They hid it like you and Mr. Sheppard, but then her father found out. After that they made Aaron disappear…” He trailed off his eyes sad and distant.

Rodney placed a hand on the child’s shoulder. “I’m sorry about your friend.” He said sincerely. He was touched by the child’s innocent view of both situations. Too young to understand the bigotry behind the hatred of others. “You think Master Sheppard will be angry if he finds out John is with a servant.”

Dalton nodded. “I don’t want you disappearing. You’re a good man.” 

“Thank you Dalton,” Rodney said sincerely. 

\----------

John woke well rested the next morning. His interlude with Rodney had washed away all the depression and guilt brought on by his time with Nancy. He loved the other man, they would find a way despite his parents wishes. He dressed for work and was in the study looking out over the property when his father came in. 

“John what are you wearing?” He asked eyeing his well worn stained clothes. 

“Um, work cloths? For the fields?” He answered confused. His father shook his head and sighed with an air of agitation.

“No, absolutely not. Your mother has arranged another meeting for you and Miss. Smith this afternoon. Go change. You need to shift your focus son. The fields can manage with you your…hands-on approach.” Patrick gave him a light glare and shook his head softly. “You need to start thinking about your future. About winning Miss. Smith’s affections. Shouldn’t be hard you are a handsome man. Perhaps get her something nice, to show you are serious.”

John pressed his lips together and rubbed at the back of his neck. “Look father, I don’t think Nancy and I are a good fit. I don’t—”

“No! Not this again!” His father said harshly startling John. “Every time we have arranged a courtship for you it has been the same excuses. Not this time John. You _will_ get Nancy a nice gift because you _are_ serious about this.”

“Father—” 

“No, John. No more excuses! You will court Nancy Smith, you will win her affections, and you will marry her before the end of summer.” Patrick paused and the air was thick with tension. “We wouldn’t want people thinking you aren’t _interested_. Because you are interested, aren’t you Johnathan?” 

John felt his face grow hot and he set his jaw staring down his father with mock offense. “I don’t know what you are implying but—”

“I think we both know _exactly_ what I’m implying John.” Patrick said and John’s blood ran cold. They lapsed into an awkward silence, the tension pressing in around them and suffocating John. “Now go get changed. No more talk of ending this.”

John watched his father leave rooted in place. _He knows,_ the words ricocheted around John’s skull like shrapnel, tearing him apart from the inside out. 

\----------

John had done what his father said, changing in to nicer clothes mind still in a haze reeling from their conversation. He was currently on his way to the stabled to pick up Surge for his trip. He didn’t care about that though. He had to see Rodney. Needed to talk to him.

“Mr. McKay!” He called entering the stables. His tone of anger sent the hands working with Rodney scattering and left them alone. 

“Mr. Sheppard? Is something wrong?” Rodney asked confused by his lovers anger. John walked up to him grabbed his arm and hauled him into the feed room slamming the door behind him. “John what on Earth is going—”

“He knows. My father he knows.” John said his anger revealing itself as poorly managed fear.

“What? How?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if he knows about us, but he made it very clear he is aware of my perversion.” John swallowed and paced the tiny room.

“So what do we do?” Rodney asked trying to hide his own panic and remain strong for John.

“Here take this,” John said pressing his credit book into Rodney’s hands. Rodney looked up at him in confusion. “In a few days my father and brother will be going into town to get the documents for the O’Neil arrangement finalized and notarized. I’m going to send you with them. You will buy two horses in my name and tell my father they are a gift for Nancy.” 

“How does this help us?” Rodney asked still confused.

“Because we’re going to take them. Rodney,” he pause looking hesitant. “I want to leave and I want you to come with me.”

“Leave, as in run away? Us—together?” Rodney boggled.

“My father is going to have me married off to Nancy before the end of summer. I can’t. Not now…not that I love you.” It was only the second time John had said it and it tasted sweet on his tongue. “Please say you will do this with me.”

Rodney stared at him for a moment then nodded. “Yes, I’ll leave with you.” He said finally and pulled his lover into a hug. “I love you, I’ll follow you anywhere.” John kissed him briefly smiling like a fool but there was fear in his eyes. “This will be dangerous.”

“I know,” John admitted and his eyes grew firm with resolve as he looked at Rodney’s nervous face. “But it’s worth it. We’re worth it”

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think, feedback will be a great motivator to get the next chapter finished. I do hope you have enjoyed so far!


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